The Boy or the Man

My life is full of rearrangements. From job changes, to boyfriends, to friends, and at home. But, the most constant rearrangements happen in my own head. My feelings about things are being rearranged all the time, and my mind can’t seem to make up it’s mind(lol).

The one that comes to mind at the moment happens to be rearranging again because of a dream I had last night. It was about a boy I used to know, who isn’t really a boy anymore. He is a man now. Things have changed a lot since we’ve grown up, and I always have the boy he used to be, who we used to be and those memories in mind when I think about him.

I used to love him, but that was a long time ago. We are good friends now, and have always shared some weird connection, nothing physical; well ok once about a year ago, but we swore it wouldn’t happen again because it felt too weird.. I can’t explain it, we just like to be around each other. We dated for so long, we were high school sweethearts, but now things are different.

In some way, when I lost him I lost myself. When we weren’t together my life fell to pieces in so many ways. I feel like I haven’t ever been able to pick up the pieces and put them back together because something is missing. He is missing. He used to be my rock, one of the only things that held me together during my darkest moments, even now, he has still been there.

We don’t see each other quite as often as we used to. He recently went to Iceland with another girl and it looked amazing. I used to have huge aspirations like that. I wanted to travel and see the world. I guarantee if we had stayed together, we would have been married by now. I know he still loves me… I see it on his face when he looks at me.

He is a good man, one of the kindest smart-asses of them all. I think my feelings are changing. For a while I swore I would never go back, and I actually lost the physical attraction to him. Until lately, even before I saw he was hanging with another girl, I’ve been craving his attention and to be around him.

Maybe, it might be time to Rearrange my life one more time. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to just see if I could be happy again, maybe he is what I’ve been missing deep down all this time. We used to have passion, and romance, and we were always there for each other. Yea, he hurt me, he hurt me pretty bad; but that was a long time ago. We were children when it happened.

It’s always lingered in the back of my mind, even when the attraction withered. I always thought that he and I were supposed to end up together eventually, somehow. In some cases I even felt guilty; that whoever I was with at the moment wasn’t going to be the one, and that I was just killing time until the time was right to be with him… Maybe that seems stupid to tie up my heart like that but it’s not on purpose.

I think I need to find out once and for all if there is truly anything left, or if maybe something new could begin.

via Daily Prompt: Rearrange

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Ugly Truth- Needed to Vent

Maybe I’m a bitch, maybe you won’t agree with some of the things I say. But I do not care if you disagree with my personal opinions. However, I will respect differences of opinion.

I am just so fed up with things, even if they are small.

If you work in a business that handles multiple phone calls a day, you should know the importance of quick and need-to-know information. Yes, sometimes it’s nice to have a pleasant conversation but if I ask you questions such as “what team are you working with?” I only need the answer not the whole story behind it. Especially when I answer the phone with “how can I direct your call,” please understand that I am trying to get you to the right person, so don’t get mad at me when I have to ask you a few questions to get you someone who is actually available.

As a former team leader I understand the importance of keeping everyone informed of TEAM changes or decisions. There is no need to keep secrets for the benefit of the team.

It’s so unfair that we are one of the busier teams yet when someone is on vacation for a different team, they plan to have someone (from our team) cover them- yet when we are missing a person, the rest of us have to run around like chickens with our heads cut off. Sorry to be vague, there are reasons for it.

Also, its bullshit to use people for your own personal benefit, if it only helps you and no-one else that is SELFISH. Why not try to help everyone on our team succeed and not just yourself…

I am also fed up with people not listening to me over the phone. I wanted to enroll in benefits and after I called three times and got voicemail promising me a call back (which they didn’t) I had to tell this person 5 times that I had already selected the options that I wanted to enroll in and that I DID NOT HAVE TIME TO LISTEN TO THE PRESENTATION OF EACH OPTION. She told me if I didn’t have time, to call back on Monday; I was about to flip my lid.

After the 5th time I told her she finally looked at my account after I had already given her all my information and saw that I had “enrolled” and “waived” certain options. Then she read the list of them to make sure it was correct. THANK YOU that is what I wanted in the first place.

Lastly I am tired of being taken advantage of. Too many people have done it and Im guilty for allowing it. Don’t make promises you cant fucking keep. Be a decent human being and if I’m reaching out to you telling you Im almost suicidal and you don’t respond for 7 months -and then when you do you say “you deserve to know Im getting a divorce because you’ve been with us from the start. You listened to all our problems and helped me,” -don’t expect me to jump on the pitty train. This was also after I had sent another heartfelt letter apologizing for a lot of things.

Don’t expect me to comfort you when you make every situation about yourself and you only want me in your life when you can benefit from it in some way.

I used to be extremely forgiving and normally I would have stepped up and been the bigger person and I tried. At first I responded saying “Im so sorry, but Im proud of you for doing the best thing for you and your son. Maybe when things settle down we can get together and discuss our relationship”. I got no response for months, then I blew up and sent her one last letter. I poured my heart out again and reminded her that we had been best friends for 21 years! No response.

The only reason she stopped talking to me in the first place was because I disagreed with her about whether a brides family should pay for bridemaids dresses or not…

Im trying to move on with my life now. Im trying to make new friends and get over the times people have hurt me. Its really fucking hard. Im so stressed out that I get hot flashes and I feel like Im being a huge bitch to everyone around me, even my family. I need a vacation, or a break. Oh but I guess you actually have to make good money for that, which is really hard too because companies just want to take advantage of you. It’s all bullshit.

Sorry if this got a little real or to complain-y for ya. I’m not looking for any pats on the back I just needed to vent.

Banned

Your eviction notice has been served. Please pack your things and get out of my life. I once called you family and to another I called you my best friend. My weaknesses got the best of me and I let you stay too long.

I let you break down my shell and tear out my insides. You used my insecurities against me and fired your shots. If you could see the destruction in real life I would have had holes all over my body, dripping with blood. I probably would have been crawling on the ground and crying, I would have been reaching for you and screaming at you to stop and help me. You both would have just stood there with your arms crossed and probably laughed.

It has been almost a year since I lost both of you. My shell is growing back and getting stronger. I used to forgive so easily but now I can hardly even trust anymore.

Every once in a while when I am weak and needy I think about letting you back in. I think about reaching out and apologizing even though it’s not my fault. Then there are other days when I am reminded of how much you hurt me. Some days I just feel empty, some days I am angry, but more frequently as time goes on, I feel stronger.

I can’t let you back in. Ever. You’re Banned from my life forever.

via Daily Prompt: Banned

Wild Child

giant-510674_640We could all use a little humor once in a while. The post Escaping Reality, One Adventure at a Time — Oddities and Ends inspired this piece about silly memories from my childhood. I was a wild child, my nickname didn’t end with “-alien” for no reason. If it was quiet in the house my mom knew that was a bad sign. I’d probably be shoving a screw driver into an electric socket, drawing on the walls or the cat, or sitting on my bed chewing off the hands and feet of a barbie -yes, I did that.

My sister enjoyed picking on me and made me do silly things when I was at a vulnerable age. She once told me that if I ever thought I had a spider on me to jump up and down, spin around, and scream “I’m an idiot,” and that it was the only way to get it off… I believed her… I did exactly what she told me.

When she would really piss me off or if I got really mad, which happened often, I would stick my tongue out and bite down on it really hard, squeeze my fists, squint my eyes and furrow my brows. Sometimes it was the only way I could stop myself from punching her (I did punch her a few times). It looked bizarre but now looking back it was hilarious. It didn’t help when my parents would laugh at me but I now understand why.

There is a home video of when my sister and I had our mini pink corvette. I was angry because she wouldn’t stop the car to let me out. As she was driving in circles around our driveway I wound my hand up over her head, bit my tongue and pounded on her head as she circled another time, she finally had to stop the car. To this day I still wish we submitted the video to AFV.

On the post I mentioned earlier from Oddities and Ends, Jessie wrote about transforming into the characters she used to watch on TV and in movies which sparked another memory from my childhood. Whether the characters on my favorite shows were real or fantasy I believed I had Transformation powers as well. I would hang onto the slide at recess pretending to be drowning, and hoped a cute boy would come rescue me in slow motion like in the show “Baywatch”.

My friends and I used to run around tilting our heads back and forth to pretend we were in the intense scenes of Titanic. I don’t really know how that improved the experience but we did it anyway, and probably caused a lot of concern from bystanders for our mental health. Titanic was one of my favorite movies. I’d watch the second tape at least three times a week and watch Rose release Jack into the water and cry, every time “I’ll never let go”.

My sister and I were obsessed with the Spice Girls. I am pretty sure we still have the Spice World VHS tape and could probably still sing all the words to the songs. I was always Sporty Spice and my sister was either Baby Spice or Posh Spice. At the end of the movie they put on a great performance and the best part was at the end when they do the high kick. I’ll never forget doing that and screaming “Hi Ci Ya Hold Tight!”.

My sister and I were always playing pretend. Her favorite game was “teacher” and she demanded to always play Melinda, the teacher; which was also the name of my tooth fairy and it took me 10 years to figure out it was her. Anyway, I was playing her student one day and I was being the typical goof, she was getting angry because I wasn’t paying attention. She told me I had to write out “I am sorry” 15 times. So I did exactly that, word for word “I am sorry 15 times,” she was furious.

I’m sure I will post about other funny childhood memories, there are a LOT of them. I am torn about hoping I never have a child that is like me, because on the other hand, at least I would never be bored. Plus, I’d have many embarrassing stories to tell to their future boyfriends or girlfriends just like my parents do.

via Daily Prompt: Transformation

Judgment

Today at work a gentleman walked in for an appointment. Before he even came to the door I assumed he was a homeless man. He was dressed in a dirty, faded denim jacket, ripped sweat pants, a wide-brimmed hat that reminded me of something my dad would wear while fishing, and his hair was long and greasy. His eyes were red and his skin looked tired. He gave me an uncertain look so I waited for him to ask me for something. Turns out he was in my office for an appointment.

I’m guilty, I completely judged this person for his appearance and I hope that my face didn’t give away the thoughts and disbelief in my head when he said he was one of our clients.

I hate it when people make assumptions about me, especially when it comes to my age, appearance or how I chose to live my life. I will often hear someone say, “oh you’re too young to know this yet,” and in the back of my mind I’m rolling my eyes. I am a hypocrite because I know at least one time a day I make an assumption about someone else based on how they look, or speak, or carry themselves.

There was another time when it happened to me; I was hanging out with some friends in Orting having a good time watching football. Orting is a pretty small town; there are a few farms and only one main shopping area. I had been going there for years to visit my aunt and boyfriend who lived there. They had a guest over who I had never met before and when I told him I lived in Seattle he says “Oh, well you must be out of your comfort zone”.

Typically I would just laugh and let them think what they want. What made me angry was the fact that it wasn’t a question but a statement, a complete assumption about me based on where I live.

I just couldn’t believe this guy, throughout the night he made remarks about me being from the city even after my friend explained it to him. I ended up leaving early. I had many words I would have liked to say to him; he didn’t know me at all!

I am going to do my best to avoid making judgments about people. A thought might cross my mind here and there but hopefully I will realize it now, and I will do my best to treat everyone with respect. You never know when one Tiny misjudgment could really piss someone off or ruin their day.

via Daily Prompt: Tiny

Millions

Millions of seconds

Millions of minutes

Millions of thoughts

Millions of challenges

Millions of changes

Million of failures

Millions of factors

Millions of stars

Millions of hearts

Millions of kisses

Millions of words

Millions of lies

Millions of judgements

Millions of bodies

Millions of colors

Millions of stereotypes

Millions of people

But only one you.

 

via Daily Prompt: Millions