The early years of my life were pretty good. I had two loving parents who are actually still together and going on 29 years now. My mom survived breast cancer and my dad was a ship successful ship captain. Both of my parents are the greatest role models on earth. But that didn’t stop me from making a few mistakes here and there. Okay, a lot of them.
I like to share my high school years because that is when I feel my life truly made the most changes and influenced the person I am today.
New school, new teachers, endless possibilities… That’s what I thought high school was going to be like. I was nervous as any 14 year old would be but I still had some high expectations.
Freshman year went easily by. The guy I had dated in middle school rarely contacted me during summer. I went through the hall way during orientation and caught his eye as he walked by me. I knew then that it wasn’t over. It wasn’t.
Homecoming came along faster than expected and I wanted to go with him, the guy I met eyes with before, the one I had dated in middle school. But he had already asked another girl out. We stood there after school, sun lowering, face to face expressing how badly we wanted to go together. He had already asked this girl out and being the kind soul he was, he didn’t want to cancel his plans. So I ended up going with someone else.
Sophomore year I became a member of the flags team. They were a group of girls who did a strange style of colorguard and performed in competitions. It was a really great year for me. The guy I mentioned before and I started dating and things were getting pretty serious. We finally went to homecoming together and it was great. I was in love.
Junior year came faster than expected. I was still dating that guy and things were going extremely well. It was my second year on the flags team but first year as a captain of the team. I was thin and beautiful and I remember what it felt like that first day of school coming back and having everything going my way… If only it would stay like that.
Senior year rolls around. I am too focused on the flags team and forget about my school work. I get demoted from captain for part of the year and it tore me to pieces. People who I thought were my friends and had my back turned against me. Even my own teammates. There were so many secrets I kept to protect their asses yet they sabotaged my reputation.
I still remember my senior performance on flags. I was so excited to perform the last state routine, I worked so hard to perform the best I could. We were supposed to make sure everyone put out their own flags, I counted them before we went on stage yet someone forgot to put out their flag in the correct spot and stole mine during the routine causing me to awkwardly leave stage… Everyone was crying afterwards because it was their last performance. I was crying because I didn’t get to perform for majority of the performance… No one cared.
I still don’t talk to any of those girls that were on the team. In fact I don’t talk to anyone from high school except the guy I dated. We dated all throughout high school and until our second year of college. Then things ended, turns out he cheated on me numerous times, I found out while visiting him at college. I had paid for my own plane ticket there and then left early on a bus ride home.
We’re friends now after a few years of not talking but its not the same. I thought I was going to marry him. There are so many people that I used to hold so dear to my heart that I don’t even know anymore.
I used to have dreams and nightmares about high school and about the flags team. Maybe it seems small to some… but these were life changing events for me. Team members and even some of my teachers turned against me. One math teacher I took for a second year because he was great. Then he embarrassed me in front of the whole class for failing and I left his class crying and never went back. I haven’t done math since…
I’ve gained about 75 pounds since high school. I am not the same person by any means. Looking at pictures of myself and seeing old Facebook posts from a while back cause me to envy myself…
The world can change you in ways you never thought possible. I wish I had known how thick I needed to grow my skin. One of my former best friends once told me to grow a thicker skin and then never spoke to me again. So maybe that’s what I need to try to do… I don’t know. I do the best that I can. I might not have many friends but the ones I do have are loyal and kind. Life goes on and I do not have time or room in my life for fake people.
I am now 24 years old and still making some of the same mistakes I made then. Only now the mistakes cost even more than before… I am not perfec,. I am a mess. But I am figuring out this thing we call life. I consider myself a nice, loyal, and genuine person. Not a lot of people that know my name, truly know what lies deep inside my mind and soul. I hope to finally show my true self and not hold back. I need to get the words out that sit in the back of my mind. Thank you for listening, whoever you are..