My life is full of rearrangements. From job changes, to boyfriends, to friends, and at home. But, the most constant rearrangements happen in my own head. My feelings about things are being rearranged all the time, and my mind can’t seem to make up it’s mind(lol).
The one that comes to mind at the moment happens to be rearranging again because of a dream I had last night. It was about a boy I used to know, who isn’t really a boy anymore. He is a man now. Things have changed a lot since we’ve grown up, and I always have the boy he used to be, who we used to be and those memories in mind when I think about him.
I used to love him, but that was a long time ago. We are good friends now, and have always shared some weird connection, nothing physical; well ok once about a year ago, but we swore it wouldn’t happen again because it felt too weird.. I can’t explain it, we just like to be around each other. We dated for so long, we were high school sweethearts, but now things are different.
In some way, when I lost him I lost myself. When we weren’t together my life fell to pieces in so many ways. I feel like I haven’t ever been able to pick up the pieces and put them back together because something is missing. He is missing. He used to be my rock, one of the only things that held me together during my darkest moments, even now, he has still been there.
We don’t see each other quite as often as we used to. He recently went to Iceland with another girl and it looked amazing. I used to have huge aspirations like that. I wanted to travel and see the world. I guarantee if we had stayed together, we would have been married by now. I know he still loves me… I see it on his face when he looks at me.
He is a good man, one of the kindest smart-asses of them all. I think my feelings are changing. For a while I swore I would never go back, and I actually lost the physical attraction to him. Until lately, even before I saw he was hanging with another girl, I’ve been craving his attention and to be around him.
Maybe, it might be time to Rearrange my life one more time. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to just see if I could be happy again, maybe he is what I’ve been missing deep down all this time. We used to have passion, and romance, and we were always there for each other. Yea, he hurt me, he hurt me pretty bad; but that was a long time ago. We were children when it happened.
It’s always lingered in the back of my mind, even when the attraction withered. I always thought that he and I were supposed to end up together eventually, somehow. In some cases I even felt guilty; that whoever I was with at the moment wasn’t going to be the one, and that I was just killing time until the time was right to be with him… Maybe that seems stupid to tie up my heart like that but it’s not on purpose.
I think I need to find out once and for all if there is truly anything left, or if maybe something new could begin.