Anxiety Induced Rant

Do you ever just get so done with your current situation? Like you’re just tired of the same routine you’ve been doing and now you want to do something else? It happens to me all the time and it’s so bad right now! I just have the urge to pack up all my crap and move to Montana. I actually just had a funny conversation with my friend Molly about that. I told her we would move to a cabin there, I would learn to hunt for food and then we would live in peace, with out internet or contact unless it was on our terms… I even went as far as looking at listings online for properties. Montana is so beautiful..

I am just so bored of my job. I started in June and at first it seemed like a great place with tons of growth. But as I am trying to learn new things and am currently being trained in a higher position, I am noticing how fucked up the management is here. I’ve had three or four different people teaching me how to do things and they all do it different ways so I am so confused half the time. The other half of the time I am just trying to figure it out on my own… Another coworker has been a negative nancy and is quitting. She is my favorite person here, but lately I am just sick of her bitching.

Also, the holidays are pretty shitty this year. I know the price tag on a gift shouldn’t matter but I feel like I am not going to be giving back to others equally.

I hate money. It’s so hard to get to the point where you’re earning enough to support yourself. You basically have to kill yourself trying to get there by working late and not spending time on yourself or other important things. I spend most of my time at the office and then the rest of my life is in disarray. I just want to be outside or at home reading a book or something.

I want to go back to school but due to inherited properties I can’t get financial aid. My parents refuse to pay for school so I have been trying to save up enough to do it myself. It’s so hard to save money right now. I don’t have any sort of cushion. The opportunities and steps I could take to make more money COST money so what the fuck am I supposed to do..

I have plenty of opportunities with the company I am in and this would be the route to go to make more money down the road. However it’s not what I want to do with my life/career. I want to work with animals or have a farm or something someday. I wish it could be sooner than later… My dad always tells me I can do anything I set my mind to, which I try to do but something seems to always get in the way and I just want to get there!

I need to do something big, or important with my life. I need to help people and animals and I want to be remembered for something special when I am gone. My grandfather was one of those kinds of people and I feel like he is so disappointed in me for how I have done so far.. I just feel stuck, and frustrated that I’m not where I want to be nor am I headed in the right direction. Something has to change.

“Just a circle?”

A simple circle. That is all it is, tattooed on my right wrist. I get comments on it like “why did you get a circle?” or “what is that?” “just a circle?”. I love it when people ask me about it, I just don’t like the initial judgment. It’s kind of a funny story actually.

My sister and I were in Florida at Universal Studios in the shopping area. We were doing the Disney parks vacation with our parents. My sister os 27 and im 24, our parents love taking us there and we still enjoy it as adults. My mom said it was kind of a last family vacation since we will likely soon have our own families to go with.

After a long day of walking around the park our parents left to return to the hotel and we stayed behind to go hit up some bars. On our way to explore the shopping strip my sister joked and pointed out the tattoo parlor and said “well we could get tattoos.”. We sat down at the bar and each had one vodka soda, as we were sitting there I brought it up again and asked her what she would wamt to get if we were to actually serious about getting them. We sat there brainstorming and then all of a sudden we were on our way to the parlor.

They were super friendly and welcoming there I was surprised that they didn’t turn us away. But now looking back they are probably used to having tourists come in like that since they are on the border of the theme park.

My sister and I decided to get an “x” and an “o” on our right wrists. She got the “x” and I got the “o” to symbolize hug and kiss. I’m very happy with my choice.

We actually got away with hiding them for the next three days until we got home. My sister was worried my parents would think she pressured me into getting it, so we had to wear long sleeves in 70+ degree Florida weather. She didn’t want to risk ruining the family vacation.

It is so simple and it means a lot of things to me. I had a really rough year where I felt alone most of the time so when I look down I am reminded that I always have my sister, she is part of me.

A circle is also a symbol of time and eternity, there is no beginning and no end. My grandfather was “grandpa time” and was famously known as that, so I especially love that it reminds of time and/or a clock. It is also a symbol from one of my favorite Disney movies, The Lion King,”the circle of life”. It gives me hope and comfort.

Do you have any unique/peculiar tattoos?

Online Dating Troubles

I have been online dating for years. I have a found a few decent guys throughout the years, but obviously since I am single now none of them worked out. The sites that seem the most promising charge you $50 just for a month! Wtf! I don’t want to pay and then end up finding out it’s exactly like the other websites.

Some of my encounters are laughable and others are just plain weird. I will often give a guy extra points for messaging me first however, and not to sound conceited because I don’t mean it that way; why do some of these dudes think I’d be interested in them, when their profile is literally NOTHING like mine? ZERO common interests.

One guy straight up said, in his first message “Have you ever dominated a guy?”…. DELETE, BLOCK. I should have responded with something like, “yea he is still locked in my basement” or something to freak him out. Lord knows I’ve learned my lesson that if you message them back with ANYTHING even an insult, they think you want them…

Another guy messaged ME first. I thought he was super hot and shared the same interests. The reason I emphasized the ME first part was because he acted so uninterested in talking to me after I responded. Here is exactly our conversation..

Hello gorgeous

Me: Hey, how are you?

wyd tonight

Me: Hanging with my best friend, were about to go Christmas shopping.


Me: What kind of cars do you own/work on?

(no response for hours)

I drift, I own a Mazda Miata.

Me: Oh nice, I used to love the thrill or racing when I had my Mustang, but now I’m more of a truck girl since I got my Toyota.

(no response for a day)

Me: Did you grow up here?

You mean in Washington? (DUH)

Me: Yea..

For the most part.

Me: Where did you go to school?


Me: Cool, well you should tell me a secret 🙂

I don’t have secrets.

Me: Well Im out of questions do you want to know anything about me?

Are you serious about wanting a relationship? Im only asking because I don’t want to get hurt again. (whoa too soon)

Me: Well, yes I am serious but I want to take my time and do it the right way, and I would never hurt anyone intentionally.

(no response for a while)

Me: So Im going to be visiting a friend near you would you like to go to dinner or grab a drink?

(hours later but he read my message)

I just spent my whole paycheck on car parts sorry hun I cant afford it right now.

Me: No worries, I’d just rather meet in a public setting so we can do this another time, unless you have another idea?

Oh I see, so now that I don’t have money you don’t want to go out, that tells me exactly what kind of woman I’m talking to.

(whoa whoa back up, did I not just ask him if he had another idea lol?)

Me: Not at all, that’s why I asked if you had another idea…

(a while later, and he was just so attractive so I decided to give it one more shot…)

Me: Im sorry you’ve been hurt in the past, I’ve been hurt too. I had a really bad day and you just put the cherry on top.

Was it that bad? (ok so don’t even apologize for insulting me)

Me: Yea it was..

(I asked a few more questions and got one word answers)

Me: I don’t know why I tried to save this conversation

What do you mean?

*face palm*

Can there just be a nice guy out there who can show me how to work on my truck, shares the same love for animals, is adventurous, romantic, and spontaneous; likes the outdoors and is humble/respectful and mentally stable(<—-MOST IMPORTANT!)?! Is my order too tall lol?



On Facebook if you go to Inside Quest’s page, there is a video called “IQ Millennial Question”. Simon Sinek preaches a pretty powerful and in my opinion, accurate, explanation of why this generation has such a difficult time. He explains the major issues with the generations born after 1994.

Sinek claims that millennials are lazy, entitled, and impatient but emphasize that they are entitled. He believes millennials are taught that they are “special” and can have anything they want just by “wanting it that bad”. When kids ask for things and are handed them, they are still not happy or fulfilled.

Sinek states that sometimes kids made honors classes or received A’s just because their parents complained, or the teachers didn’t want to deal with the parents. Others received awards just for participation. I totally agree with his point that when you award someone for failing it actually makes them feel worse because they know they don’t deserve it. Simon called it and said “Not my words”, “failed parenting strategies”.

He went further to explain that those kids grow up and go to college and then they come home and try to find a job only to realize their mothers can’t get them a promotion, they’re not special, they get nothing for coming in last, and they can’t have something just because they want it.

I also agree and relate to his point, that too many kids don’t know how to form deep meaningful relationships because they don’t rely on their friends. They know their friends will cancel if something better comes along and vise versa. They don’t have the coping mechanism to deal with stress in their lives so they Mope and turn to the things that help them feel better. Alcohol, drugs, social media etc. Those things offer temporary relief.

Some powerful quote from the video are:

“When they are stressed they will not turn to friends but the bottle”.

“People who spend more time on Facebook have higher rates of depression than people who spend less time on facebook”.

“Alcohol is not bad, too much alcohol is bad. Gambling isn’t bad, too much gambling is bad. If you’re sitting at the dinner table with your friends texting someone who isn’t there.. that’s a problem”.

“If you wake up and check your phone before you say hello to your boyfriend or girlfirend that’s a problem and it will destroy your life”.

“This generation is impatient. Everything is at your fingertips”.

Sinek explained that nowadays if you want something you can order it on amazon and have it arrive the next day. Or, for example, want to watch a movie? Go on Netflix or order it. Go on a date? You don’t even have to learn to approach someone in person and introduce yourself because you can do it online first. He claimed millennials don’t know how to say “no” because they’re too afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, whereas the rest of us had to learn how to do that on our own and not just “swipe right”.

I agree that almost everything you want is available instantly. Searching for a job etc. You don’t even have to apply in person anymore it’s all online taking the hard work and sense of accomplishment out of it.

“Satisfaction is a messy/lengthy process”.

Many millennials have experienced wanting to quit their jobs because they haven’t made it anywhere (in 8 months!). Love, a skill set, a career is a long, difficult journey, and if you don’t work hard and ask for help you will fall off the wagon.

“It’s an entire population never finding deep joy and fulfillment”. Always settling for “it’s fine”.

Milennials then blame themselves for not being competent enough to stick with something and second guess themselves when they make mistakes. It is not their fault because they were taught to expect everything to just arrive at their fingertips.

I completely agree, technology and social media is ruining the quality of our relationships. I loved it when they explained that relationships are formed by trust, not in an event or in a day, it is a slow steady consistency that creates trust.

My take away from this is to remove the temptation. Enjoy the world, “which is where ideas happen”. Don’t let social media take away from the little things. Put the phone away or leave it at home when you’re with friends or family and be present. Like an alcoholic removes alcohol from their lives to recover, I need to limit the amount of time I spend on my phone and learn to enjoy life again in the real world and not on social media.

I think so many people have these fairytale lives on Facebook but all we see is what they want us to see. It’s not reality or real life and therefore my expectations of what I should be doing right now are set unrealistically because it’s NOT REAL. Life is hard, everyone struggles and it can be extremely ugly at times. People can be ugly inside and out but you would never know after all the “filters”. Time to come back to reality. My new resolution this year is going to be to remove as much social media and technology out of my daily routine as I can.

I cannot tell you how sad it made me when the previous guy I dated would sit in bed on his phone while I laid next to him trying to talk or get him to pay attention to me. Or I’d wake up to him clicking away on his tablet. I also know a few people who I used to be super close with who are now so distant and only want to use social media to connect. I’m so done with that!


via Daily Prompt: Mope

Daily Prompt: Renewal

I hate to be one of those people who over plans for the new year and then gets disappointment. I don’t want to have too high of expectations in case it turns out just like this year, which was horrible..

There are many things I want to change and accomplish in 2017 but I think the most important will be my general health and well being. I need to make some serious lifestyle changes and make some tough sacrifices so that I can get on my own two feet.

It will be a complete Renewal of my daily choices and I know I need to get rid of some bad habits. So here are my new year resolutions:

  • Travel somewhere new
  • Commit to a work out routine
  • Take vitamins daily
  • Eat better
  • Drink more water
  • Set aside personal time
  • Go out less
  • Drink less
  • Quit smoking
  • Save at least $1000
  • Loose at least 30lbs
  • Move out
  • Go back to School
  • Be a better friend
  • Be a better daughter
  • Be a better sister
  • Spend more time with family
  • Be more organized
  • Start a journal
  • Do more art
  • Sell a piece of art
  • Play piano again

via Daily Prompt: Renewal

Rough Day

The thing I like most about the company I work for, and the reason I decided to work here (Started as a temp) was when I heard my boss say that she wanted us all to reach our goals. She wanted to help us get exactly where we wanted to go and do what she could to help us get there because, in her words “everyone deserve success if they’re willing to work for it”.

There are many good things happening right now, however today was just really hard. I got a promotion and I am now learning how to be an escrow assistant. It’s great because soon, I will be hired on for sure. I am excited to work with this company, however there is SO much to learn, and although I assumed it would be hard, it is turning out to be more than I thought.

I am always way too hard on myself. I am BRAND new to escrow and this company was kind enough to welcome me and teach me everything. A lot of people go to college for this sort of job before starting the position I am learning from scratch. I have to constantly remind myself and everyone else here that I am brand new, and I am not going to learn it as fast as they (or I) hoped.

Today I was learning to do funding packages, scan them into our folders and send them out to lenders etc. For some reason I could NOT get them to scan properly and almost ripped a signed legal document. I also had an issue with the person training me refusing to “show” me. She kept wanting me to “figure it out” on my own because that was how she learned. I had to explain to her numerous times that I don’t learn like that, because I am a perfectionist and I always second guess myself. I ended up having a huge melt down which was a little embarrassing, I just got frustrated and couldn’t hold back the tears.

I just hate being slow, or struggling at something, when I’ve already been showed how to do it. I get so frustrated when I have a problem that I can’t resolve on my own. I just have so much pressure to prove myself here. I have to show them that I am worth teaching this stuff to and that I do in fact learn fast, and do a good job. As I was in the bathroom having an anxiety attack one of my coworkers kindly told me her story about how she made mistakes when she started.

Back when she started things weren’t quite as complicated and high tech as they are nowadays, but on the flip side it created a longer process since she had to separate everything and make hard copies and file them instead of electronic copies that can even go directly where they need to go with a barcode scanner built into the copier. It’s actually really cool, but there is a lot of room for error.

She reminded me that everyone struggles at first. She had a degree and had the same problem that I did today. She told that I was doing just fine, to take a step back and focus on one part at a time. She said if I am stuck or overwhelmed that it means I need to work on the previous step again until I have it down. Her encouragement and compliment went a long way.

I realized in that moment all I really needed was someone to tell me I was doing a good job. I don’t mean to sound like I need a pat on the back every time I do something good, it was just nice to hear it and was all the encouragement I needed to push through the rest of the day.

Encourage the people around you. If you see someone struggling, or down on themselves even just a simple compliment can make all the difference in the world.


Slipping Through The Cracks

It’s your own Folly that put you in this position. You’re unhappy and miserable and you want to make us unhappy too. You only have one life to live. Toughen up, it’s not as bad as you think it is. The liquor that poisons your mind is the key that unlocked the chest that you stuff your emotions into. They unleashed on the closest person in the room. Words hurt, sometimes more than violence. You have a very thin sheet of ice to walk on right now. One more move in the wrong direction and it is going to crack beneath your feet and swallow you whole…

via Daily Prompt: Folly


With furrowed brows

I sit…


The bright red cape you bore is gone.

Bitterness consumes you,

The only red I see now

Is in your eyes.

You forgot what you said,

My heart does not.

How do I help you?

How do I stop the hurt?

You push us away,

I have tried to help…

You push some more…

Close to the edge,

I can’t take much more.

My Conundrum is you.

Pick up the cape

For gosh sake

Be the example,

Be the man

I used to know…

Or thought I knew.

via Daily Prompt: Conundrum

Busy Bird Feeder

These are from the snow we had last Friday morning, I was amazed at how busy the feeder was at my parents house, especially in below 30 degree weather. My mom always makes sure to keep them fed and even warms the bird bath so they have fresh water. She told me she once saw a Robin on our side walk sitting on the ground, when she approached closer she realized it was frozen solid. She felt so bad and has made efforts to help them survive the cold Winter days.

Some ways she helps them are by making sure they have plenty of food to give them energy and fatten up. She will often leave out pieces of thick yarn or even sometimes cat hair that we brush off of Luna for them to use as filler for their nests. Before winter comes we clean out their ‘bird mansion’ which you can see in my other post “More Snow”, and put some hay or other bedding material to help insulate it and help them stay warm.

The last two photos I just added because I thought were interesting. Hope you enjoy 🙂

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