One Day At A Time…

I’ve been back at the whole eat healthy, and exercise thing and it’s going well so far. I’ve stayed at it for about a month. I’m trying to train my body that I’m not always going to feed it when it’s hungry. So I’m eating healthier and less often. So far I’ve lost 5 pounds in about 3 weeks which I know isn’t much, but I know I’ve gained muscle too. I can definitely see some changes happening.

Things started to really change after I got a new bike. I love it so much and have gone on a 10 mile bike ride every weekend since I got it. I’ve also been swimming at my community pool and I discovered  I really enjoy jump roping, it kicks my ass.

Sometimes I feel a little obsessive over what I’m eating and if I eat something extra even just a power bar right after lunch, I begin to feel guilty about it and wish I had waited to make sure I was really hungry. I don’t want to starve myself but I definitely want to make sure I am giving my body the right fuel and only when I feel I need it; not just because I am bored.

The problem I’ve had in the past with eating healthy is that I’d be too scared of getting hungry and binge eating, so instead of binging on bad food I’d pack myself way too much fruits and veggies and end up munching constantly throughout the day. Then my body was used to eating so often and I wasn’t really giving it the protein and energy it needed to burn fat and actually loose weight.

I’m not sure if anxiety is the right word for it but I’ve been catching myself worrying a lot lately and just feeling stressed. I was in the shower yesterday and said out loud “what are you so stressed about?”. I realize now I am overly fearful and stressed about reverting back to old habits and loosing all the progress I’ve made; because that is what has always happened in the past! I’m trying to stay positive and say to myself “what can I put in my body today that will fuel me and help me get where I’m going. I love my body and even though I’m not where I want to be I’m still far from where I started.”.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and for the first time ever I said “good job”.  Feeling proud of myself or confident is a rare thing for me. I am proud of myself, and I am ok with letting my fear be the thing that keeps me going in this direction. I hope I stick to it, and figure out what is sustainable.

Even just after just 5 pounds I look in the mirror and feel thin. I know I have a long way to go because when I take my clothes off and then look in the mirror I see the rolls and bags. The hardest part is not being discouraged by minimal results, I have to remind myself that it’s not going happen over night.

I want to be fit, and strong. I want to wear a two piece bathing suit with out feeling uncomfortable and I want to be able to wear a damn romper for once! Mostly, I want to feel good and do good as a result.

A Hiccup of Words..

Sometimes you just need to let it out

with no filter

no worries

no structure

just let it go

let the words flow

bask in the glory of the current day

forget the people who wronged you

forgive them

ask for forgiveness from the ones you’ve wronged

give thanks

do something to be thankful for

put a spark in someones spirit

Tell someone you love them

dont be afraid

do something reckless

eat the cake

wear the ugly shoes, at least they’re comfortable

go for a bike ride

go golfing

spend time with your family.

Cry it out

tell someone a secret

tell a stranger to have a good day

smile at someone

smile inside.

Climb a mountain or

heck just get out of bed!

Live in the moment

kick some ass.

Dont worry about yesterday,

hope for a better tomorrow.

Dont be perfect all the time,

be raw,




full of mistakes….

Be kind,

be humble,

be human

be you.







I Joined OKCupid

Yesterday, I was hanging out with my best friend. She is also single, so we were looking on our dating sites and she began to show me her OkCupid (OKC) profile. I had heard of this dating site before but I thought it was only for Christians, and I thought you had to pay. OKC is open to the public and also has a both free and premium features.

I was pleasantly surprised with OKC, they asked a LOT of questions and not just the basics. They really dug deep and aim to match you to people based on your answers. Not only can you choose your own answer, but you can select the answer(s) that you would prefer your match to say. You can also view each others answers, but only if you answered the same question(s). OKC also let’s you skip questions which I was grateful for, because some I felt required a more detailed answer than what they offered. There is a space to write in an answer but I still preferred to leave some blank.

I completed my new profile on OKC and instantly started receiving likes and messages etc. There is a “Boost” button that I accidentally hit and my notification were off the charts, so that was fun.

Like most dating apps, there are some features only available if you pay, but you can still see messages and received notifications when someone likes your profile. I feel that OKC offers a good selection of free features, and definitely better ones than POF.

OKC shows a percentage on each persons profile to rate how closely your answers match theirs. OKC also displays personality traits on profiles based on the answers provided. I enjoy the the info boxes/questions featured on each persons profiles which are:

  1. Self-Summary
  2. What I’m Doing with my life
  3. I’m really good at
  4. Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
  5. Six things I could never do without
  6. I spend a lot of time thinking about
  7. on a typical Friday night I am
  8. You should message me if

I thoroughly enjoy how much control OKC gives me. I found out today that I can even filter my messages. It’s just really cool and I am super excited about this and thought I’d share in case someone else is looking to try a different dating app.

Does anyone else have any other recommendations for free dating sites/apps? Any success stories? I’d love to hear some feedback!



A Tough Subject

This could be a triggering post for some individuals.

I recently watched 13 Reasons Why. I will not go into the details of my thoughts on that show now, but one thing I noticed about it, is that there was not one mention of therapy or help for people with mental health or substance use disorders.

Some subjects are harder to talk about than others, and this is definitely one of them. I recently found out that someone I grew up with committed suicide. He was always kind of a troubled person and I hadn’t spoken to him in years. His death was still a shock to me because at one point in time, he was my best friend. He shot himself…

We grew up one street away from each other, and went to the same school. We rode the bus together and raced through our neighborhood on bicycles. We would fight a lot as kids, literal fist fights. I was very much a tom boy when I was younger, and we shared a lot of the same interests like motocross computer games and sports. Every Friday after school one of us would walk over to the other one’s house to play. There are many fond memories, and many dark ones as well.

I recently started a new job at a substance use treatment center. As part of my training I had to attend a Youth Mental Health First Aid conference. It was not medical first aid, it was about assisting youth in our establishment, how to talk to them, and  how to pick up on signs of specific disorders, especially suicidal behavior. The section on suicide was something that really hit me deep down to my core.

A couple of short clips were played from a documentary about Kevin Hines; a man who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, survived, and now tells his story in hopes of helping others. It was a very, very powerful message and I strongly suggest anyone to view it, even part of it, even though it is truly difficult to watch with out bursting into tears.

A good friend of mine met me for a drink last night. She seemed a little out of sorts and I later found out that her husband’s best friend, the best man in their wedding, shot himself in the head. She explained to me how hard she tried to think about the signs, and how nothing came to mind that could have possibly seemed like a sign. I then told her something that I learned in the conference, and not a lot of people know that it is a sign. Happiness can be a sign, because the person feels happy knowing they have a plan, and a way out.

I have known three other people in my life time, personally, that have ended their own lives, and it certainly makes you think about your own actions, or lack of. I’ve thought about why I didn’t talk to the neighbor kid anymore. What if I had reached out to him sometime? I know I can’t blame myself, and it had nothing to do with me, I hadn’t spoken to him in years.. But what if I did? Would it have made a difference? Or would it have taken more of a tole on me if I did, and it didn’t make a difference?…

I remember from my training, that the instructor said one of the major ways to help prevent suicide is to talk about it. If you have suspicions about someone, do not be afraid to approach them about it, because it could possibly be what saves them. Even just start with “Are you ok?”. That was the one thing that would have stopped Kevin from jumping off the bridge and could be what stops someone else. Ask the person if they have thought about suicide. Ask them if they have a plan. Listen and ask them if there is something you can do to help them. No matter what the response, remind them you’re there for them.

We can and should all work together, educate each other, and help each other Survive

via Daily Prompt: Survive

Not A Good Impression

I’ve written about online dating before. It’s been a few months since I re-started the journey of online dating after my last break up, and I’d like to share a little more about my experience.

I began searching in March, found a few interests and began conversations. One thing I realized that is still true is that I can only carry about 3 conversations at once. Even 3 is a little much for me, and I hate beginning a new conversation and having to start over on the whole “Hey how are you?”, “What do you do for work/fun?”… As I get deeper in conversations I forget who is who and sometimes think we’ve already covered a subject, only to find that I’m an idiot and it was the other guy..

I suppose I should have mentioned that the sites I’m using are Tinder and Plenty of Fish (POF). I have used POF for a few years and have had two relationships spawn from it. Tinder I know is more of a hook up site, but I still think it is helpful in finding people in your community that might even share some mutual friends.

Back to my experience… I met a guy who I will just call “J” in March. J and I hit it off pretty quickly and we had great conversation. His smile was charming and after a cocktail with my best girlfriend I decided to say “we should meet”. At the same time I hit send he said “What are you doing tonight?”. I took that as a sign and threw some make up on and headed out the door to meet him for a drink.

I had been single since November and had zero hook ups in between. I told myself I was going to take things slow. Well, after a couple beers J invited me back to his place for have one more outside by a fire. I agreed and followed him. Well that one drink turned out to be a full glass of straight jack and no mixer… He walked me to my car and then pinned me to the door with his tongue down my throat.. Next thing I know were heading who knows where in my car to some parking lot to continue our frenzy because he still lived with his parents and they were home. You can pretty much assume the following events of the evening. I will say, we weren’t exactly successful, the rug burn was not fun…

I ended up seeing him again the next night, St. Pattys day for dinner. We enjoyed some green beer, and I was good this time; I did not go home with him, only kissed him good-bye and invited him to my birthday the weekend after. He accepted.

We went to a movie early in the day with my parents and sister, he made some awkward comments to my parents that had me a little unsure if I should have brought him, but I let it slide.

I got a hotel for my birthday and it was really awesome. He and I went and got a whole bunch of booze and pre-funked in the room before heading out. He invited his sister, and I invited mine and a few friends to join. It was fun until J started to get sloppy. We got kicked out of the first bar because he could barely open the door. He got a little weird and started getting uncomfortably clingy to me and wouldn’t even let me light my own cigarettes or open any doors. The extend of it did not make it seem sweet it was annoying to the point my sister and my friends left because they were uncomfortable.

I should have made him taxi home and gone on with my night, but I felt kind of responsible so I let him stay in the room; he did drive after all and I didn’t want to taxi home in the morning. I contemplated locking him out of the room when he went to get ice. I told him it wasn’t going to work out a few days later.

I boycotted online dating for a while after that, and decided to get back on a few days ago. I’m finding it harder and harder, to find dudes who aren’t too young or too old for me. J was only a year younger but there was a major maturity difference, so I’m not sure I’d date younger anymore.

I’m not relying solely on social media to find my price charming, but it’s nice when I’m not out man hunting to be able to at least talk to guys, and practice getting out of my comfort zone.

I did get a psycho that messaged me he started with “hey”, all I did was delete the conversation because I wasn’t interested (I didn’t know they could see that on their end) and then he says, “respect others you stupid fuck”, “you’re not special at all!!!!!” “fat ass” and then blocked me. I laughed and then wondered if he could be a serial killer… Who knows..

I really hate it when guys have really lame about me sections and use words like “and stuff” or simply “ask me”. Don’t have a lame headline like “Deer killer”… I also pay a lot of attention to usernames and if it is really stupid like “milkchocolate” I am not going to respond.

When I’m scrolling through pics, I absolutely hate it when they are blurry or with an arm around another girl even if it is a sister, it’s weird and they look like a swinger. I’m not hating it’s just not my thing and I won’t respond.

My advice, and just my personal opinions about dating profiles is to write something funny or a fun fact about yourself that isn’t gross, and don’t use vulgar language (unless that is truly your personality, then do you). Have clear pictures of yourself smiling and include ones of yourself doing cool things like hiking or doing a hobby etc. When engaging in conversation maybe consider the fact that I’m having a similar conversation with other guys (I mean come on, it’s a dating site) and try to make it different some how.

I notice spelling and grammar, and maybe it’s just a personal issue but it really bugs me when there isn’t punctuation; or when there are a fair amount of errors (I’m not saying mine is perfect either)…

When my profile says “Looking for a serious relationship” and someone messages me and theirs says “wants to date but nothing serious“, I do not respond. I’m done messing around and although a lot of people use those sites to hook up I set my profile as “Looking for a serious relationship” to hopefully deter the ones who just want a hook up…

If you are unsure if your profile will attract what you’re looking for ask a friend in the gender you are interested in and see what they say. Ask a stranger and get their opinion. If you’re serious and want a relationship and are using a dating website, at least put in some more effort on your profile so I can get an idea of how much effort you’d put into a relationship.

A first Impression is a big deal, but a lasting impression is even bigger.

via Daily Prompt: Impression

To my best friend

To my best friend,

You may not see it.

But I do.

Beauty radiates

From inside you.

So much doubt,

So much uncertainty,

So much discontent.

One thing will never change.

That is my love for you.

My eyes see

A wonderful sea

Of imagination and humor,

And above all else,


You love before all else.

I admire your heart.

The beauty that lies within

Is greater than anything.

I pray and hope,

That you never doubt,

Never question,

Never second guess.

Always remember,

You are beautiful,

You are special,

You are loved.

I’ll always be here,

I’ll never leave you,

I’ll never judge you.

I love you,


With my heart and my soul.

Rant about a facebook rant

A friend of mine posted a nasty rant on facebook. It has absolutely nothing to do with me but it really got some thoughts rolling in the back of my mind. It took a lot of will power to not respond and laugh at her and tell her to grow up. She is only embarrassing herself making it seem like no one wants to hang out with her lol. But I wouldn’t be surprised if that is true.

Why put “PSA” in front of your post when you’re just putting your problems out there for everyone to see. It’s almost laughable that you think anyone wants to be friends with you when you treat people like shit; and then you want to blame them for not being part of your life after your husband left for 2 years.

I don’t know what the root of your problems are but since you’re putting it out for the public, my opinion is that if my friend’s husband was visiting for a couple days I would leave them alone so they could be together. I can’t imagine my feelings opening facebook to see that you bitched about it.

Maybe those friends stopped hanging out after he left because you’re actually a shitty person to be around, and because you’re selfish and only talk about yourself, brag about yourself, or complain about problems that could be easily solved if you just stopped throwing money at people to do things for you. Grow up.

The one time you tried to get me to come out with you I was already with my best friend ‘drinking wine’. You then said “Good grief I don’t know how you drink that much” insinuating that I have some sort of alcohol problem when you really do not know me AT all.

I have literally hung out with her maybe three times and we don’t talk often. No idea where she got that idea but it was clear she was just upset that I wouldn’t go hang out with her. The truth is that I wasn’t even drinking I just told her that to avoid having to hang out with her…But, back to my point. What kind of public service was she announcing in her post? The only public service she could do is remove herself from my facebook feed and stop clogging up my cat videos.

When you make something everyone else’s problem don’t get angry when someone calls you out or disagrees with you. Don’t be all butt hurt when someone has an opposing opinion and states their case and other people side with them. What if the person the post was directed to got on there and decided to call you out for all of your bullshit for the public to see? You would probably get angry and it would cause a comment war on facebook.

I am guilty, I’ve done that before and started a relationship altering fight on facebook. I have learned that lesson (more than once) and I am so done putting anything about my personal relationships on facebook .

What is the point of being their friend anyway, and what is the point of posting about it on facebook? Obviously you lack enough respect to talk to them in person and maybe it’s because of something YOU did, but you don’t know about because you wouldn’t just talk to them like and adult.

You are also putting words in your husbands mouth and creating a bad reputation for him. I think that is overall the worst part of it considering his profession. That makes me so angry.

This is why I hate facebook. I will be making some changes to my account and I am going to defriend/unfollow some more people because this is ridiculous. I don’t care about your massage appointment or your nail appointment that you go to every single week. I don’t care about your filtered selfies or yet another deer filter selfie. I don’t care to open my facebook and watch another video of you with a dog face licking the screen.

I want to see more of my sister snow-shoeing on Mount Rainier, and my father going skiing for the first time in 15 years. I want to see my best friend achieve her step goal on fitbit and like her new badge achievement post. I want to see my niece sing and watch my friend play with his adorable new kitten.

I go to facebook for connections. If I wanted politics I would go watch television or the news etc.

I want my family that lives across the U.S. to be able to see my accomplishments because with a huge family like mine it would be impossible to call everyone and plus I don’t usually call my cousins for that stuff, but even they can see it and we can all be in touch. I have over 2,000 photos on facebook and most of them I don’t remember until it pops up on my memories section which I love! These are the only reasons I have a facebook.

Right now it just seems like facebook is where sad, lonely people go and make their lives appear to be a fairytale, if only they could see how fake they look until you read between the lines and realize NO ONE CARES.

Just for a little laugh at the end of this, yes I am on my period haha. Sorry if that’s too much info but I’m a little bitchy in case you haven’t noticed 😉



I Was Foolish

Well… I’m definitely human and I make mistakes.. I went against something I said way at the start of my blog. I posted a few rants about some former friends of mine. One of them was involved in the mess with my ex that I have been writing about a lot recently.

I was so foolish. I let my guard down and reached out to her about three months ago and we finally tried to resolve our friendship. It lasted a little while but only on social media. We would talk online and make plans to hang out but never actually followed through.

It seems our lives just drifted apart and to be honest I wasn’t that eager to hang out with her just yet. After the recent messages from my ex I got drunk one night and responded. I didn’t “invite him” anywhere but my message did not sound how I intended it went I finally sent it… All I said was “I am at our old spot with a friend and it brought back some memories”.

My friend I reconnected with later asked me if I ever responded to his original message (explained in another post). All I told her was “yes and then I blocked him”. She then says “oh, Kate said you invited him out, she said she saw the message so my curiosity got the best of me”. Okay, first of all the ex in reference is the one who was such a fucking asshole to me. She witnessed when he did this before and lied about it to me AND to did this to Kate before and STILL questions MY motives? I finally figured it out. He plays the games, she stirs the pot..

This friend I am referring to is the one who I said I would never let back in my life because of all the demons that would come with it and look what happened. I got sucked in again but I am not going to let it bring me down again.

So I told her that I made a mistake, I don’t want to put her in a position where she has to choose between me and another friend but that it is clear, she is not on my side if she even for one second thought I would have acted on my stupid text message. I haven’t spoken to that guy in over a year until that night. It was stupid of me and I mostly just wanted to see what his response would be so I could catch him in the act and have proof again. But it backfired on me.

I am not that upset about loosing her, I am just upset that I let my guard down and went against my better judgment. I could have avoided this whole thing. Man, I really thought I had my shit together. I know I’m still doing WAY better than last year but I have a lot of improvements to make.

Stressed Out

I’m a little stressed out. I am trying to make so many positive changes but it always seems like when I finally feel good and am doing the best I can, that life puts me to the test. I’m stressed out about money, concerned for some of my friends, had a conflict with someone, and I’m tired of seeing all the political posts recently so I deactivated my social media for the time being.

I’ve been dieting recently as part of my resolutions and I’ve been so good except for last night when I had pizza. I felt guilty immediately and I’ve been trying to make up for it today. I did it to myself and it’s discouraging but I have to keep pushing.

I found out over the weekend that the ex I was ranting about recently is going to a wedding that I will be in- in November. So now I have all this pressure/motivation to get in shape for that. The image of myself I have in my head of what I want to look like on that day would render him speechless. If he brings his girlfriend, my former friend, I would love to see both of their faces when I look hot as hell, maybe I’ll even have a hot date by then.

I am working extra hard but I’m worried about my motivation lasting the whole 9 months until the wedding. I want to get back to the weight I was in 2011, which was about 160 pounds. I am 5′ 7″ and now weight about 226 (already 8 pounds down in a month). Only 66 pound to go! Not only do I want to loose the weight but I want to look toned and athletic. I want to join a gym and maybe even get a trainer to help me with my goal. I will probably have to loose the weight sooner so I can order the right size bridesmaid dress.. Either that or buy the dress and get it altered before the wedding. Any recommendations for that?

I am also getting nervous about starting my new job. I won’t have a break before I start, my last day is next Tuesday then I start the new one on Wednesday. I have to get a bunch of stuff for my orientation like medical records and I don’t know who has them since I’ve had about four different doctors at different places.

I just resolved an issue with a bill that I didn’t know was processed FIVE days after I received confirmation that it had- and in the words on the confirmation- “POSTED” on the 13th. So I had not accounted for that amount in my bank account so towards the end of my pay period they finally took it out and it bounced. I didn’t know until today when I got a letter in the mail. I am a little angry that they emailed me, no call! If it’s something serious like a bill payment bouncing (that effects my credit) a call would have been nice!

I am also so annoyed and done with this office. I want to keep a good rep and stick out the rest of the two weeks but I am so miserable here. It’s so slow they really don’t even need me right now. I’ve been taking a lot of walks… Lord help me get through these bumps and hopefully everything will work itself out. At least I have the new job to look forward to, and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. There is just a lot that got thrown on my plate all in one day..


Defined by your actions.

Cruel words can hurt.

But what you don’t know,

Is that they hurt much less,

Much less than the feeling you get,

When you look in the mirror

And you see your reflection.

Regret lingers

Underneath the mask.

You taught yourself to hide,

Behind words,

Behind make up,

Behind hair and nails,

Behind a computer screen

And behind my back.

You may think you did it,

You may think you’re beautiful,

On the outside.

But what you can’t hide,

Is what is truly inside.

Maybe it’s just me,

Maybe you can be (good),

But as much as I try,

All I see

Is the ugly.