A Tough Subject

This could be a triggering post for some individuals.

I recently watched 13 Reasons Why. I will not go into the details of my thoughts on that show now, but one thing I noticed about it, is that there was not one mention of therapy or help for people with mental health or substance use disorders.

Some subjects are harder to talk about than others, and this is definitely one of them. I recently found out that someone I grew up with committed suicide. He was always kind of a troubled person and I hadn’t spoken to him in years. His death was still a shock to me because at one point in time, he was my best friend. He shot himself…

We grew up one street away from each other, and went to the same school. We rode the bus together and raced through our neighborhood on bicycles. We would fight a lot as kids, literal fist fights. I was very much a tom boy when I was younger, and we shared a lot of the same interests like motocross computer games and sports. Every Friday after school one of us would walk over to the other one’s house to play. There are many fond memories, and many dark ones as well.

I recently started a new job at a substance use treatment center. As part of my training I had to attend a Youth Mental Health First Aid conference. It was not medical first aid, it was about assisting youth in our establishment, how to talk to them, and  how to pick up on signs of specific disorders, especially suicidal behavior. The section on suicide was something that really hit me deep down to my core.

A couple of short clips were played from a documentary about Kevin Hines; a man who jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, survived, and now tells his story in hopes of helping others. It was a very, very powerful message and I strongly suggest anyone to view it, even part of it, even though it is truly difficult to watch with out bursting into tears.

A good friend of mine met me for a drink last night. She seemed a little out of sorts and I later found out that her husband’s best friend, the best man in their wedding, shot himself in the head. She explained to me how hard she tried to think about the signs, and how nothing came to mind that could have possibly seemed like a sign. I then told her something that I learned in the conference, and not a lot of people know that it is a sign. Happiness can be a sign, because the person feels happy knowing they have a plan, and a way out.

I have known three other people in my life time, personally, that have ended their own lives, and it certainly makes you think about your own actions, or lack of. I’ve thought about why I didn’t talk to the neighbor kid anymore. What if I had reached out to him sometime? I know I can’t blame myself, and it had nothing to do with me, I hadn’t spoken to him in years.. But what if I did? Would it have made a difference? Or would it have taken more of a tole on me if I did, and it didn’t make a difference?…

I remember from my training, that the instructor said one of the major ways to help prevent suicide is to talk about it. If you have suspicions about someone, do not be afraid to approach them about it, because it could possibly be what saves them. Even just start with “Are you ok?”. That was the one thing that would have stopped Kevin from jumping off the bridge and could be what stops someone else. Ask the person if they have thought about suicide. Ask them if they have a plan. Listen and ask them if there is something you can do to help them. No matter what the response, remind them you’re there for them.

We can and should all work together, educate each other, and help each other Survive

via Daily Prompt: Survive


Not A Good Impression

I’ve written about online dating before. It’s been a few months since I re-started the journey of online dating after my last break up, and I’d like to share a little more about my experience.

I began searching in March, found a few interests and began conversations. One thing I realized that is still true is that I can only carry about 3 conversations at once. Even 3 is a little much for me, and I hate beginning a new conversation and having to start over on the whole “Hey how are you?”, “What do you do for work/fun?”… As I get deeper in conversations I forget who is who and sometimes think we’ve already covered a subject, only to find that I’m an idiot and it was the other guy..

I suppose I should have mentioned that the sites I’m using are Tinder and Plenty of Fish (POF). I have used POF for a few years and have had two relationships spawn from it. Tinder I know is more of a hook up site, but I still think it is helpful in finding people in your community that might even share some mutual friends.

Back to my experience… I met a guy who I will just call “J” in March. J and I hit it off pretty quickly and we had great conversation. His smile was charming and after a cocktail with my best girlfriend I decided to say “we should meet”. At the same time I hit send he said “What are you doing tonight?”. I took that as a sign and threw some make up on and headed out the door to meet him for a drink.

I had been single since November and had zero hook ups in between. I told myself I was going to take things slow. Well, after a couple beers J invited me back to his place for have one more outside by a fire. I agreed and followed him. Well that one drink turned out to be a full glass of straight jack and no mixer… He walked me to my car and then pinned me to the door with his tongue down my throat.. Next thing I know were heading who knows where in my car to some parking lot to continue our frenzy because he still lived with his parents and they were home. You can pretty much assume the following events of the evening. I will say, we weren’t exactly successful, the rug burn was not fun…

I ended up seeing him again the next night, St. Pattys day for dinner. We enjoyed some green beer, and I was good this time; I did not go home with him, only kissed him good-bye and invited him to my birthday the weekend after. He accepted.

We went to a movie early in the day with my parents and sister, he made some awkward comments to my parents that had me a little unsure if I should have brought him, but I let it slide.

I got a hotel for my birthday and it was really awesome. He and I went and got a whole bunch of booze and pre-funked in the room before heading out. He invited his sister, and I invited mine and a few friends to join. It was fun until J started to get sloppy. We got kicked out of the first bar because he could barely open the door. He got a little weird and started getting uncomfortably clingy to me and wouldn’t even let me light my own cigarettes or open any doors. The extend of it did not make it seem sweet it was annoying to the point my sister and my friends left because they were uncomfortable.

I should have made him taxi home and gone on with my night, but I felt kind of responsible so I let him stay in the room; he did drive after all and I didn’t want to taxi home in the morning. I contemplated locking him out of the room when he went to get ice. I told him it wasn’t going to work out a few days later.

I boycotted online dating for a while after that, and decided to get back on a few days ago. I’m finding it harder and harder, to find dudes who aren’t too young or too old for me. J was only a year younger but there was a major maturity difference, so I’m not sure I’d date younger anymore.

I’m not relying solely on social media to find my price charming, but it’s nice when I’m not out man hunting to be able to at least talk to guys, and practice getting out of my comfort zone.

I did get a psycho that messaged me he started with “hey”, all I did was delete the conversation because I wasn’t interested (I didn’t know they could see that on their end) and then he says, “respect others you stupid fuck”, “you’re not special at all!!!!!” “fat ass” and then blocked me. I laughed and then wondered if he could be a serial killer… Who knows..

I really hate it when guys have really lame about me sections and use words like “and stuff” or simply “ask me”. Don’t have a lame headline like “Deer killer”… I also pay a lot of attention to usernames and if it is really stupid like “milkchocolate” I am not going to respond.

When I’m scrolling through pics, I absolutely hate it when they are blurry or with an arm around another girl even if it is a sister, it’s weird and they look like a swinger. I’m not hating it’s just not my thing and I won’t respond.

My advice, and just my personal opinions about dating profiles is to write something funny or a fun fact about yourself that isn’t gross, and don’t use vulgar language (unless that is truly your personality, then do you). Have clear pictures of yourself smiling and include ones of yourself doing cool things like hiking or doing a hobby etc. When engaging in conversation maybe consider the fact that I’m having a similar conversation with other guys (I mean come on, it’s a dating site) and try to make it different some how.

I notice spelling and grammar, and maybe it’s just a personal issue but it really bugs me when there isn’t punctuation; or when there are a fair amount of errors (I’m not saying mine is perfect either)…

When my profile says “Looking for a serious relationship” and someone messages me and theirs says “wants to date but nothing serious“, I do not respond. I’m done messing around and although a lot of people use those sites to hook up I set my profile as “Looking for a serious relationship” to hopefully deter the ones who just want a hook up…

If you are unsure if your profile will attract what you’re looking for ask a friend in the gender you are interested in and see what they say. Ask a stranger and get their opinion. If you’re serious and want a relationship and are using a dating website, at least put in some more effort on your profile so I can get an idea of how much effort you’d put into a relationship.

A first Impression is a big deal, but a lasting impression is even bigger.

via Daily Prompt: Impression


Someday I’ll find love.

Someday I will get married.

Someday I will own a horse.

Someday I will live in a cute farmhouse that I designed.

Someday I will travel around the world.

Someday I will have amazing children.

Someday I will have a career.

Someday I will open my eyes.

Someday I will be surprised.

Someday I will be old.

Someday I will feel old.

Hopefully, I can look back with a smile.

Hopefully, I will achieve my dreams.


Starting Over

That thing you’re attached to

That thing you Cling to,

That thing you refuse to let go of,

But you know you’re better off without.

You know better,

But you fight to hang on.

Heavy with guilt.

You still give and give

When all they do is take.

You know better!

Ignoring that voice you keep trying

Until it tears you down.

Breaks you into a million pieces.

You wake up in the darkness,

In the piercing blizzard of consequence and regret.

It wasn’t until you lost everything,

That you realize you could of had everything,

If only you had just let go.

via Daily Prompt: Cling


Oh no,
there you go,
trying to catch me
weak I might be
at times I’ll admit
But my heart no longer aches for you
not even one bit.
You use to Shine
back when I called you mine.
On your rump you fell
and now I laugh like hell.
After all this time
Im not even certain
Why I thought you were sublime..
For now I see
I was choking
On the bullshit you’re still smoking.

via Daily Prompt: Shine


On Facebook if you go to Inside Quest’s page, there is a video called “IQ Millennial Question”. Simon Sinek preaches a pretty powerful and in my opinion, accurate, explanation of why this generation has such a difficult time. He explains the major issues with the generations born after 1994.

Sinek claims that millennials are lazy, entitled, and impatient but emphasize that they are entitled. He believes millennials are taught that they are “special” and can have anything they want just by “wanting it that bad”. When kids ask for things and are handed them, they are still not happy or fulfilled.

Sinek states that sometimes kids made honors classes or received A’s just because their parents complained, or the teachers didn’t want to deal with the parents. Others received awards just for participation. I totally agree with his point that when you award someone for failing it actually makes them feel worse because they know they don’t deserve it. Simon called it and said “Not my words”, “failed parenting strategies”.

He went further to explain that those kids grow up and go to college and then they come home and try to find a job only to realize their mothers can’t get them a promotion, they’re not special, they get nothing for coming in last, and they can’t have something just because they want it.

I also agree and relate to his point, that too many kids don’t know how to form deep meaningful relationships because they don’t rely on their friends. They know their friends will cancel if something better comes along and vise versa. They don’t have the coping mechanism to deal with stress in their lives so they Mope and turn to the things that help them feel better. Alcohol, drugs, social media etc. Those things offer temporary relief.

Some powerful quote from the video are:

“When they are stressed they will not turn to friends but the bottle”.

“People who spend more time on Facebook have higher rates of depression than people who spend less time on facebook”.

“Alcohol is not bad, too much alcohol is bad. Gambling isn’t bad, too much gambling is bad. If you’re sitting at the dinner table with your friends texting someone who isn’t there.. that’s a problem”.

“If you wake up and check your phone before you say hello to your boyfriend or girlfirend that’s a problem and it will destroy your life”.

“This generation is impatient. Everything is at your fingertips”.

Sinek explained that nowadays if you want something you can order it on amazon and have it arrive the next day. Or, for example, want to watch a movie? Go on Netflix or order it. Go on a date? You don’t even have to learn to approach someone in person and introduce yourself because you can do it online first. He claimed millennials don’t know how to say “no” because they’re too afraid to hurt someone’s feelings, whereas the rest of us had to learn how to do that on our own and not just “swipe right”.

I agree that almost everything you want is available instantly. Searching for a job etc. You don’t even have to apply in person anymore it’s all online taking the hard work and sense of accomplishment out of it.

“Satisfaction is a messy/lengthy process”.

Many millennials have experienced wanting to quit their jobs because they haven’t made it anywhere (in 8 months!). Love, a skill set, a career is a long, difficult journey, and if you don’t work hard and ask for help you will fall off the wagon.

“It’s an entire population never finding deep joy and fulfillment”. Always settling for “it’s fine”.

Milennials then blame themselves for not being competent enough to stick with something and second guess themselves when they make mistakes. It is not their fault because they were taught to expect everything to just arrive at their fingertips.

I completely agree, technology and social media is ruining the quality of our relationships. I loved it when they explained that relationships are formed by trust, not in an event or in a day, it is a slow steady consistency that creates trust.

My take away from this is to remove the temptation. Enjoy the world, “which is where ideas happen”. Don’t let social media take away from the little things. Put the phone away or leave it at home when you’re with friends or family and be present. Like an alcoholic removes alcohol from their lives to recover, I need to limit the amount of time I spend on my phone and learn to enjoy life again in the real world and not on social media.

I think so many people have these fairytale lives on Facebook but all we see is what they want us to see. It’s not reality or real life and therefore my expectations of what I should be doing right now are set unrealistically because it’s NOT REAL. Life is hard, everyone struggles and it can be extremely ugly at times. People can be ugly inside and out but you would never know after all the “filters”. Time to come back to reality. My new resolution this year is going to be to remove as much social media and technology out of my daily routine as I can.

I cannot tell you how sad it made me when the previous guy I dated would sit in bed on his phone while I laid next to him trying to talk or get him to pay attention to me. Or I’d wake up to him clicking away on his tablet. I also know a few people who I used to be super close with who are now so distant and only want to use social media to connect. I’m so done with that!


via Daily Prompt: Mope

Daily Prompt: Renewal

I hate to be one of those people who over plans for the new year and then gets disappointment. I don’t want to have too high of expectations in case it turns out just like this year, which was horrible..

There are many things I want to change and accomplish in 2017 but I think the most important will be my general health and well being. I need to make some serious lifestyle changes and make some tough sacrifices so that I can get on my own two feet.

It will be a complete Renewal of my daily choices and I know I need to get rid of some bad habits. So here are my new year resolutions:

  • Travel somewhere new
  • Commit to a work out routine
  • Take vitamins daily
  • Eat better
  • Drink more water
  • Set aside personal time
  • Go out less
  • Drink less
  • Quit smoking
  • Save at least $1000
  • Loose at least 30lbs
  • Move out
  • Go back to School
  • Be a better friend
  • Be a better daughter
  • Be a better sister
  • Spend more time with family
  • Be more organized
  • Start a journal
  • Do more art
  • Sell a piece of art
  • Play piano again

via Daily Prompt: Renewal