One Day At A Time…

I’ve been back at the whole eat healthy, and exercise thing and it’s going well so far. I’ve stayed at it for about a month. I’m trying to train my body that I’m not always going to feed it when it’s hungry. So I’m eating healthier and less often. So far I’ve lost 5 pounds in about 3 weeks which I know isn’t much, but I know I’ve gained muscle too. I can definitely see some changes happening.

Things started to really change after I got a new bike. I love it so much and have gone on a 10 mile bike ride every weekend since I got it. I’ve also been swimming at my community pool and I discovered  I really enjoy jump roping, it kicks my ass.

Sometimes I feel a little obsessive over what I’m eating and if I eat something extra even just a power bar right after lunch, I begin to feel guilty about it and wish I had waited to make sure I was really hungry. I don’t want to starve myself but I definitely want to make sure I am giving my body the right fuel and only when I feel I need it; not just because I am bored.

The problem I’ve had in the past with eating healthy is that I’d be too scared of getting hungry and binge eating, so instead of binging on bad food I’d pack myself way too much fruits and veggies and end up munching constantly throughout the day. Then my body was used to eating so often and I wasn’t really giving it the protein and energy it needed to burn fat and actually loose weight.

I’m not sure if anxiety is the right word for it but I’ve been catching myself worrying a lot lately and just feeling stressed. I was in the shower yesterday and said out loud “what are you so stressed about?”. I realize now I am overly fearful and stressed about reverting back to old habits and loosing all the progress I’ve made; because that is what has always happened in the past! I’m trying to stay positive and say to myself “what can I put in my body today that will fuel me and help me get where I’m going. I love my body and even though I’m not where I want to be I’m still far from where I started.”.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and for the first time ever I said “good job”.  Feeling proud of myself or confident is a rare thing for me. I am proud of myself, and I am ok with letting my fear be the thing that keeps me going in this direction. I hope I stick to it, and figure out what is sustainable.

Even just after just 5 pounds I look in the mirror and feel thin. I know I have a long way to go because when I take my clothes off and then look in the mirror I see the rolls and bags. The hardest part is not being discouraged by minimal results, I have to remind myself that it’s not going happen over night.

I want to be fit, and strong. I want to wear a two piece bathing suit with out feeling uncomfortable and I want to be able to wear a damn romper for once! Mostly, I want to feel good and do good as a result.

I Joined OKCupid

Yesterday, I was hanging out with my best friend. She is also single, so we were looking on our dating sites and she began to show me her OkCupid (OKC) profile. I had heard of this dating site before but I thought it was only for Christians, and I thought you had to pay. OKC is open to the public and also has a both free and premium features.

I was pleasantly surprised with OKC, they asked a LOT of questions and not just the basics. They really dug deep and aim to match you to people based on your answers. Not only can you choose your own answer, but you can select the answer(s) that you would prefer your match to say. You can also view each others answers, but only if you answered the same question(s). OKC also let’s you skip questions which I was grateful for, because some I felt required a more detailed answer than what they offered. There is a space to write in an answer but I still preferred to leave some blank.

I completed my new profile on OKC and instantly started receiving likes and messages etc. There is a “Boost” button that I accidentally hit and my notification were off the charts, so that was fun.

Like most dating apps, there are some features only available if you pay, but you can still see messages and received notifications when someone likes your profile. I feel that OKC offers a good selection of free features, and definitely better ones than POF.

OKC shows a percentage on each persons profile to rate how closely your answers match theirs. OKC also displays personality traits on profiles based on the answers provided. I enjoy the the info boxes/questions featured on each persons profiles which are:

  1. Self-Summary
  2. What I’m Doing with my life
  3. I’m really good at
  4. Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food
  5. Six things I could never do without
  6. I spend a lot of time thinking about
  7. on a typical Friday night I am
  8. You should message me if

I thoroughly enjoy how much control OKC gives me. I found out today that I can even filter my messages. It’s just really cool and I am super excited about this and thought I’d share in case someone else is looking to try a different dating app.

Does anyone else have any other recommendations for free dating sites/apps? Any success stories? I’d love to hear some feedback!

 

 

I Was Foolish

Well… I’m definitely human and I make mistakes.. I went against something I said way at the start of my blog. I posted a few rants about some former friends of mine. One of them was involved in the mess with my ex that I have been writing about a lot recently.

I was so foolish. I let my guard down and reached out to her about three months ago and we finally tried to resolve our friendship. It lasted a little while but only on social media. We would talk online and make plans to hang out but never actually followed through.

It seems our lives just drifted apart and to be honest I wasn’t that eager to hang out with her just yet. After the recent messages from my ex I got drunk one night and responded. I didn’t “invite him” anywhere but my message did not sound how I intended it went I finally sent it… All I said was “I am at our old spot with a friend and it brought back some memories”.

My friend I reconnected with later asked me if I ever responded to his original message (explained in another post). All I told her was “yes and then I blocked him”. She then says “oh, Kate said you invited him out, she said she saw the message so my curiosity got the best of me”. Okay, first of all the ex in reference is the one who was such a fucking asshole to me. She witnessed when he did this before and lied about it to me AND to did this to Kate before and STILL questions MY motives? I finally figured it out. He plays the games, she stirs the pot..

This friend I am referring to is the one who I said I would never let back in my life because of all the demons that would come with it and look what happened. I got sucked in again but I am not going to let it bring me down again.

So I told her that I made a mistake, I don’t want to put her in a position where she has to choose between me and another friend but that it is clear, she is not on my side if she even for one second thought I would have acted on my stupid text message. I haven’t spoken to that guy in over a year until that night. It was stupid of me and I mostly just wanted to see what his response would be so I could catch him in the act and have proof again. But it backfired on me.

I am not that upset about loosing her, I am just upset that I let my guard down and went against my better judgment. I could have avoided this whole thing. Man, I really thought I had my shit together. I know I’m still doing WAY better than last year but I have a lot of improvements to make.

Stressed Out

I’m a little stressed out. I am trying to make so many positive changes but it always seems like when I finally feel good and am doing the best I can, that life puts me to the test. I’m stressed out about money, concerned for some of my friends, had a conflict with someone, and I’m tired of seeing all the political posts recently so I deactivated my social media for the time being.

I’ve been dieting recently as part of my resolutions and I’ve been so good except for last night when I had pizza. I felt guilty immediately and I’ve been trying to make up for it today. I did it to myself and it’s discouraging but I have to keep pushing.

I found out over the weekend that the ex I was ranting about recently is going to a wedding that I will be in- in November. So now I have all this pressure/motivation to get in shape for that. The image of myself I have in my head of what I want to look like on that day would render him speechless. If he brings his girlfriend, my former friend, I would love to see both of their faces when I look hot as hell, maybe I’ll even have a hot date by then.

I am working extra hard but I’m worried about my motivation lasting the whole 9 months until the wedding. I want to get back to the weight I was in 2011, which was about 160 pounds. I am 5′ 7″ and now weight about 226 (already 8 pounds down in a month). Only 66 pound to go! Not only do I want to loose the weight but I want to look toned and athletic. I want to join a gym and maybe even get a trainer to help me with my goal. I will probably have to loose the weight sooner so I can order the right size bridesmaid dress.. Either that or buy the dress and get it altered before the wedding. Any recommendations for that?

I am also getting nervous about starting my new job. I won’t have a break before I start, my last day is next Tuesday then I start the new one on Wednesday. I have to get a bunch of stuff for my orientation like medical records and I don’t know who has them since I’ve had about four different doctors at different places.

I just resolved an issue with a bill that I didn’t know was processed FIVE days after I received confirmation that it had- and in the words on the confirmation- “POSTED” on the 13th. So I had not accounted for that amount in my bank account so towards the end of my pay period they finally took it out and it bounced. I didn’t know until today when I got a letter in the mail. I am a little angry that they emailed me, no call! If it’s something serious like a bill payment bouncing (that effects my credit) a call would have been nice!

I am also so annoyed and done with this office. I want to keep a good rep and stick out the rest of the two weeks but I am so miserable here. It’s so slow they really don’t even need me right now. I’ve been taking a lot of walks… Lord help me get through these bumps and hopefully everything will work itself out. At least I have the new job to look forward to, and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. There is just a lot that got thrown on my plate all in one day..

Disappointed

Defined by your actions.

Cruel words can hurt.

But what you don’t know,

Is that they hurt much less,

Much less than the feeling you get,

When you look in the mirror

And you see your reflection.

Regret lingers

Underneath the mask.

You taught yourself to hide,

Behind words,

Behind make up,

Behind hair and nails,

Behind a computer screen

And behind my back.

You may think you did it,

You may think you’re beautiful,

On the outside.

But what you can’t hide,

Is what is truly inside.

Maybe it’s just me,

Maybe you can be (good),

But as much as I try,

All I see

Is the ugly.

 

 

 

“Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes”

Read that powerful quote today, not sure where it came from but it speaks to me so much right now. I am in the process of changing jobs, as well as changing my lifestyle.

I am trying to be healthier, eat healthier, drink more water, exercise more, and bring more happiness into my life overall. I want to eliminate the things and people who are dragging me down. I cannot try to make someone else happy until I am happy with myself.

I am so excited for my job change and to get out of this dreadful office. The people here are just so rude and are stuck in high school. There is so much tension on a daily basis that it’s beginning to rub off on other parts of my life. The processes and actions here truly reflect how this company does not care about it’s employees or it’s customers period. All they care about is money.

I need to focus on me. Put myself as number one. Stop trying to force change without making changes myself. I also need to stop expecting so much and start making the necessary sacrifices to more forward with my life.

So here’s to changes and making my resolutions a reality!

(Rant)What I really want to say to you

This might be a little dramatic but I don’t really talk to anyone about all that happened in this relationship. This is a strongly worded letter to an ex, since I don’t want to actually reply to his recent message.

You messaged me again. It’s been over a year since I spoke to you last.

We dated for almost 2 years. I was completely in love with you at first. I still have never felt a spark like when we first kissed. The day you hid flowers behind your back and came over just to give them to me still gives me butterflies when I think about it. I was so good to you. The first year was amazing, we were amazing. I was loyal to you until I saw your true colors. You betrayed me.

You started to hang out with your younger, nobody, hooligan friends and then treated me like shit. You would lie to me, cheat on me, get drunk and call me at 2am to pick you up after lying about being sick. You hung out with people who I thought were my friends and lied to me with reasons for leaving me out. Then you went after my good friend.

You hooked up with me (we were broken up and you were dating her) then tried to convince her I was psycho and convinced her I lied about sleeping with you. I tried to warn her but she bought your bullshit and I lost not only one but two friends over it. I almost lost yet another friend because you ditched me at her party and caused so much drama for everyone. My car had broken down that day and I had it towed to your house because you said you would fix it.

You ditched me that night at our friends party and I walked in the rain in flip flops and no coat with a dead phone in the middle of the night to where I KNEW you would be, (your stupid hooligan friend’s house) to tell you to take me home. You acted like I was crazy and your friends yelled at me to leave. So I had to walk BACK to where the party was only to come to a locked door. So I sat on the lawn sobbing and then decided to walk back AGAIN (about a mile and a half each way) and demand you take me home, because I had no phone to call anyone else and my car was at your house….

I can’t believe you had the audacity to message me after all this time and ask me how I’m doing. You deserve absolutely NOTHING from me. I want to laugh in your face and reply “are you serious?”.

You messaged me at 2am and then tried to play dumb the next morning and said “Oh I didn’t mean to message you I don’t know how that happened”. Then you said the next day “Actually, how are you?”. I looked at your facebook, you’re single… That girl must have finally seen what a true piece of fucking shit you are and dumped your ass and you think I am going to be dumb enough to play that game again?

You’re a complete looser. You’re never going to be anything special and you’re going to keep breaking hearts and fooling good women into thinking you’re some kind of gentleman but you’re not. My dad saw right through you and I foolishly tried to deny what a shitty person you were. You wouldn’t even look him in the eye when he warned you to treat me better. You are a coward. He HATED you and I was BLIND.. I can’t even believe I gave you that many chances.

I’m not even friends with those people anymore either. I only stayed friends with ONE girl that used to know you. She is still my best friend and we often drink wine together and talk about how LUCKY we were to get out of that group. Everyone is doing the SAME stupid low life shit that we used to think was cool.

I’m going to go ahead and continue my big girl job, enjoy the genuine company I keep and also go ahead and just say no thank you, go fuck yourself.  You don’t even deserve a reply.