Stressed Out

I’m a little stressed out. I am trying to make so many positive changes but it always seems like when I finally feel good and am doing the best I can, that life puts me to the test. I’m stressed out about money, concerned for some of my friends, had a conflict with someone, and I’m tired of seeing all the political posts recently so I deactivated my social media for the time being.

I’ve been dieting recently as part of my resolutions and I’ve been so good except for last night when I had pizza. I felt guilty immediately and I’ve been trying to make up for it today. I did it to myself and it’s discouraging but I have to keep pushing.

I found out over the weekend that the ex I was ranting about recently is going to a wedding that I will be in- in November. So now I have all this pressure/motivation to get in shape for that. The image of myself I have in my head of what I want to look like on that day would render him speechless. If he brings his girlfriend, my former friend, I would love to see both of their faces when I look hot as hell, maybe I’ll even have a hot date by then.

I am working extra hard but I’m worried about my motivation lasting the whole 9 months until the wedding. I want to get back to the weight I was in 2011, which was about 160 pounds. I am 5′ 7″ and now weight about 226 (already 8 pounds down in a month). Only 66 pound to go! Not only do I want to loose the weight but I want to look toned and athletic. I want to join a gym and maybe even get a trainer to help me with my goal. I will probably have to loose the weight sooner so I can order the right size bridesmaid dress.. Either that or buy the dress and get it altered before the wedding. Any recommendations for that?

I am also getting nervous about starting my new job. I won’t have a break before I start, my last day is next Tuesday then I start the new one on Wednesday. I have to get a bunch of stuff for my orientation like medical records and I don’t know who has them since I’ve had about four different doctors at different places.

I just resolved an issue with a bill that I didn’t know was processed FIVE days after I received confirmation that it had- and in the words on the confirmation- “POSTED” on the 13th. So I had not accounted for that amount in my bank account so towards the end of my pay period they finally took it out and it bounced. I didn’t know until today when I got a letter in the mail. I am a little angry that they emailed me, no call! If it’s something serious like a bill payment bouncing (that effects my credit) a call would have been nice!

I am also so annoyed and done with this office. I want to keep a good rep and stick out the rest of the two weeks but I am so miserable here. It’s so slow they really don’t even need me right now. I’ve been taking a lot of walks… Lord help me get through these bumps and hopefully everything will work itself out. At least I have the new job to look forward to, and I know I have a lot to be thankful for. There is just a lot that got thrown on my plate all in one day..

Disappointed

Defined by your actions.

Cruel words can hurt.

But what you don’t know,

Is that they hurt much less,

Much less than the feeling you get,

When you look in the mirror

And you see your reflection.

Regret lingers

Underneath the mask.

You taught yourself to hide,

Behind words,

Behind make up,

Behind hair and nails,

Behind a computer screen

And behind my back.

You may think you did it,

You may think you’re beautiful,

On the outside.

But what you can’t hide,

Is what is truly inside.

Maybe it’s just me,

Maybe you can be (good),

But as much as I try,

All I see

Is the ugly.

 

 

 

So Frustrated (rant)

I recently accepted a new position and I am starting over with a new company and business all together. My time at my current position started out wonderfully and I was really excited about my future.

For many reasons, things started to change at the office. It was one of the busiest seasons they ever had and it caused a lot of tension and conflict, especially having multiple hot-headed, successful women who do all do their processes differently working in the same office. It caused one person to leave because this job would have literally killed her. After she left the tension was altered slightly and I began to enjoy it again.

I was moved up and taken from the closed off front area and moved to the back to train for a higher position. I asked in person and tried many times to discuss my new responsibilities and by boss conveniently was always either sick, too busy and ignored me all together. I was promised to be trained and specific hours of the week. It only happened twice… I learned the rest on my own.

Then about a month later another lead began to act like the one who quit, and was being nasty. They were becoming angry and bitchy and were constantly negative. That type of attitude rubbed off on everyone else and caused more conflict until they finally had enough and left as well.

One of the problems I am having is that NO ONE in this company plans ahead… They take no measures to ensure that the lead’s clients were notified that they left the company. I have multiple customers per day who call asking for that person and are surprised when I tell them they no longer work here and that their lead has changed to someone else with out their consent. It makes all of us look bad. But, like I said in my other rants, clearly they don’t care about the customers and only about the money they make.

When I started here I was promised multiple things. I was promised full benefits after 90 days and plenty of opportunities for growth.. I worked my ass off and learned the business from scratch. I’ve been here months and come to find out I don’t even work for this company, I am actually employed through a vendor that they chose for me. I was hired as a TEMP without that being specifically disclosed.

I asked for my papers that I signed when I was hired so I could go over them again and make sure I knew what I signed up for. NO ONE has those papers. I was told to look online and I have and I’ve contacted the vendor and my boss and no one has any of my papers except for my I-9… What the heck?!

This season is super slow. People were talking about layoffs and conveniently for the company, I’m the expendable one. So I decided to get out as soon as possible before I was laid off and found another job.

What a coincidence that on the day I gave my notice, my car was fucking keyed in our parking garage. There are other businesses in this building, no cameras in the garage and I spoke to the garage manager who told me they can’t do anything about it. I suspect it was a coworker of mine who found out I was leaving before I planned for them to.

You see, a friend of mine who works here helped me get the job. So I respectfully notified her FIRST and NO ONE else that I had found another job. I asked that she wait to mention anything until I had a chance to talk to everyone else first. I found out from another coworker that my other team member (one of our leads) heard it from my friend before I had a chance to tell them. UGH I hate it when people gossip like that, at least I take it here where no one  even knows who I’m talking about, and I’m not doing it maliciously I am simply frustrated and want to let it out! I do not expect any outcome from this… I really did not expect my ADULT friend to go behind my back like that.

I understand if she feels angry that she helped me get this job but I spoke to her about my issues in person before, told her I was looking for another job, and she was really surprised about some of the things I said. I thought she would be happy for me but she didn’t even respond when I told her. She lives hours away so I didn’t have the chance to tell her in person. I probably should have called her but I thought she would be understanding. I emailed her and respectfully told her that I had a new opportunity and thanked her for her efforts and hoping she would understand. I didn’t want her to think I was ungrateful. I guess none of my efforts helped. She lied to me anyway promising me a promotion saying she would hire me as her assistant if I waited until the end of the year. I couldn’t wait any longer and don’t want to work with her anyway.

The lead she told is on the same team as me and did not like me from the start. They(the lead. I’m trying to be as vague as possible about their identity) were rude, condescending, confrontational, and narcissistic. I highly suspect it was the lead because after talking with my boss about my job change we agreed it would be best for my boss to tell the lead first, and then I would talk to the lead about it after.

I was waiting for my boss to tell me they told that person (like they said they would) and no surprise to me, they didn’t.. I should have just told the lead myself and looking back now it was stupid of me to rely on my boss to do it because I learned long ago that my boss it lazy and does not do anything that they say.. So towards the end of the day my team member came up to me and told me they knew about it and congratulated me (I didn’t buy the act one bit). I hate to be the kind of person to point fingers but due to the unplanned way that they found out and adding up all the previous times they were malicious to me for no reason I strongly suspect the lead was the one who keyed my car.

I have no way of finding out, I don’t want to accuse anyone without proof, and now I have scratches down to the metal all along the passenger side of my car.. I am taking it to get an estimate tomorrow…

I am trying to be respectful and stick out the two weeks with my chin up and ignore my rotten team-mate. However, I am finding it extremely difficult and I am having a really hard time ‘killing them with kindness’. I am afraid of what might come out if they do one more thing to piss me off… I can’t wait for February 1st!

Thanks for listening to my rant…

Update: I emailed the person who helped me get the job to give her a full explanation (not that she deserved it but I felt it was needed). I didn’t want her to think I was ungrateful but I also didn’t want to sound like I owed her something because that’s not right. I worded it in the nicest way possible, and explained my decisions and timing in such a way that I did not throw anyone under the bus. I cleverly worded it in a way that would make any smart person know they fucked up, without specifically saying I know what they did. I am proud of the way I handled it and I even invited her to sushi to celebrate her promotion and my new position. Choosing whether to react or respond has been a really challenging thing for me in the past so I feel really good for taking the high road and not letting my emotions get the best of me. It feels so good to be such a clever bitch and do it with class, and I know I am a better person for that.

 

“Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes”

Read that powerful quote today, not sure where it came from but it speaks to me so much right now. I am in the process of changing jobs, as well as changing my lifestyle.

I am trying to be healthier, eat healthier, drink more water, exercise more, and bring more happiness into my life overall. I want to eliminate the things and people who are dragging me down. I cannot try to make someone else happy until I am happy with myself.

I am so excited for my job change and to get out of this dreadful office. The people here are just so rude and are stuck in high school. There is so much tension on a daily basis that it’s beginning to rub off on other parts of my life. The processes and actions here truly reflect how this company does not care about it’s employees or it’s customers period. All they care about is money.

I need to focus on me. Put myself as number one. Stop trying to force change without making changes myself. I also need to stop expecting so much and start making the necessary sacrifices to more forward with my life.

So here’s to changes and making my resolutions a reality!

Do you believe in miracles?

My ex and I had a cat named Boots who went missing in June. She went outside as she normally would one night and never came back. We thought she got eaten until I got a call four months later from someone who found a similar looking cat and saw my ad on pawboost. She had very distinguishable tummy markings. It was her! I called my ex and told him I found her and was bringing her home to him.

Poor Boots was skin stretched over bones. We think she might have gotten into someone’s trailer or camper and ended up in Enumclaw (we lived in Puyallup at the time) since she went missing right around the end of June. It was a miracle that someone found her. She is doing much better now and is actually heavier now than before she went missing. We decided we would rather her be a little chubby now than be starving to death. We do monitor her food intake and she gets monthly vet check ups and has a clean bill of health.

The day I found Boots and called my ex he told me he had just committed to rescuing a kitten. So we went from zero to two cats in one day! This little black, fluffy kitty who has many names such as “spider cat” “mittens”  “baby kitty” and “willow” was said to be a girl. I originally named her “Willow” and the vet laughed and said “have you seen the movie Willow? In that movie Willow was a boy, what a coincidence”. He and my ex laughed and quoted the movie “Willowwwww take the wand”.

The poor black kitten was found in the tail pipe of a car. The car was on and the driver heard the kitten screaming and shut it off. The hot pipe burned his paws and he spent the first two weeks of his life with his paws wrapped. He was too young to be away from his mother but had no choice since the mother cat was never found.

We think maybe she put him in there to protect him from something and tried to keep our minds clear of foul humans being involved. It’s a sad start to his life but we diligently followed the vet’s instructions and nurtured him until he was healed and strong.

It’s so amazing to think how just a few months ago he could barely walk and couldn’t use a litter box because of his paws. Now he is a WILD, rambunctious boy who terrorizes his sister and his doggie brother Winchester.

Willow loved Winchester from the start. Winnie(the dog’s nickname) is so patient with him. Willow picks on Winnie and then wants to cuddle with him at the end of the day. Sometimes Winnie doesn’t understand and is reluctant to cuddle despite Willow’s continuous effort. Other times Winnie will play so gently and sweetly with Willow. Occasionally they play my favorite game I like to call “Battle of the Bed”. Willow stands at the edge of the bed with his back hunched up and Winnie paces back and forth, grunts and talks in a clearly annoyed tone and huffs and puffs as he throws his head back in frustration. It’s hilarious.

Finally! I caught them cuddling which is becoming a more frequent occurrence. I love all of those pets so much and there is nothing better than cuddling on the couch with all three of them at the same time. They are my “god children” so I have permanent visitation rights! This particular ex and I have a rare understanding and have been able to remain friends after our split. He’s the only exception to that, that I would probably ever make since I know how that usually turns out and have experienced a similar situation before. Anyway here are some pictures of the pets. Some of Boots and Willow during their recovery and then some of Willow and Winnie.  Enjoy!

 

 

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Hopeful

Someday I’ll find love.

Someday I will get married.

Someday I will own a horse.

Someday I will live in a cute farmhouse that I designed.

Someday I will travel around the world.

Someday I will have amazing children.

Someday I will have a career.

Someday I will open my eyes.

Someday I will be surprised.

Someday I will be old.

Someday I will feel old.

Hopefully, I can look back with a smile.

Hopefully, I will achieve my dreams.