One Day At A Time…

I’ve been back at the whole eat healthy, and exercise thing and it’s going well so far. I’ve stayed at it for about a month. I’m trying to train my body that I’m not always going to feed it when it’s hungry. So I’m eating healthier and less often. So far I’ve lost 5 pounds in about 3 weeks which I know isn’t much, but I know I’ve gained muscle too. I can definitely see some changes happening.

Things started to really change after I got a new bike. I love it so much and have gone on a 10 mile bike ride every weekend since I got it. I’ve also been swimming at my community pool and I discovered  I really enjoy jump roping, it kicks my ass.

Sometimes I feel a little obsessive over what I’m eating and if I eat something extra even just a power bar right after lunch, I begin to feel guilty about it and wish I had waited to make sure I was really hungry. I don’t want to starve myself but I definitely want to make sure I am giving my body the right fuel and only when I feel I need it; not just because I am bored.

The problem I’ve had in the past with eating healthy is that I’d be too scared of getting hungry and binge eating, so instead of binging on bad food I’d pack myself way too much fruits and veggies and end up munching constantly throughout the day. Then my body was used to eating so often and I wasn’t really giving it the protein and energy it needed to burn fat and actually loose weight.

I’m not sure if anxiety is the right word for it but I’ve been catching myself worrying a lot lately and just feeling stressed. I was in the shower yesterday and said out loud “what are you so stressed about?”. I realize now I am overly fearful and stressed about reverting back to old habits and loosing all the progress I’ve made; because that is what has always happened in the past! I’m trying to stay positive and say to myself “what can I put in my body today that will fuel me and help me get where I’m going. I love my body and even though I’m not where I want to be I’m still far from where I started.”.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and for the first time ever I said “good job”.  Feeling proud of myself or confident is a rare thing for me. I am proud of myself, and I am ok with letting my fear be the thing that keeps me going in this direction. I hope I stick to it, and figure out what is sustainable.

Even just after just 5 pounds I look in the mirror and feel thin. I know I have a long way to go because when I take my clothes off and then look in the mirror I see the rolls and bags. The hardest part is not being discouraged by minimal results, I have to remind myself that it’s not going happen over night.

I want to be fit, and strong. I want to wear a two piece bathing suit with out feeling uncomfortable and I want to be able to wear a damn romper for once! Mostly, I want to feel good and do good as a result.

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I Was Foolish

Well… I’m definitely human and I make mistakes.. I went against something I said way at the start of my blog. I posted a few rants about some former friends of mine. One of them was involved in the mess with my ex that I have been writing about a lot recently.

I was so foolish. I let my guard down and reached out to her about three months ago and we finally tried to resolve our friendship. It lasted a little while but only on social media. We would talk online and make plans to hang out but never actually followed through.

It seems our lives just drifted apart and to be honest I wasn’t that eager to hang out with her just yet. After the recent messages from my ex I got drunk one night and responded. I didn’t “invite him” anywhere but my message did not sound how I intended it went I finally sent it… All I said was “I am at our old spot with a friend and it brought back some memories”.

My friend I reconnected with later asked me if I ever responded to his original message (explained in another post). All I told her was “yes and then I blocked him”. She then says “oh, Kate said you invited him out, she said she saw the message so my curiosity got the best of me”. Okay, first of all the ex in reference is the one who was such a fucking asshole to me. She witnessed when he did this before and lied about it to me AND to did this to Kate before and STILL questions MY motives? I finally figured it out. He plays the games, she stirs the pot..

This friend I am referring to is the one who I said I would never let back in my life because of all the demons that would come with it and look what happened. I got sucked in again but I am not going to let it bring me down again.

So I told her that I made a mistake, I don’t want to put her in a position where she has to choose between me and another friend but that it is clear, she is not on my side if she even for one second thought I would have acted on my stupid text message. I haven’t spoken to that guy in over a year until that night. It was stupid of me and I mostly just wanted to see what his response would be so I could catch him in the act and have proof again. But it backfired on me.

I am not that upset about loosing her, I am just upset that I let my guard down and went against my better judgment. I could have avoided this whole thing. Man, I really thought I had my shit together. I know I’m still doing WAY better than last year but I have a lot of improvements to make.

“Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes”

Read that powerful quote today, not sure where it came from but it speaks to me so much right now. I am in the process of changing jobs, as well as changing my lifestyle.

I am trying to be healthier, eat healthier, drink more water, exercise more, and bring more happiness into my life overall. I want to eliminate the things and people who are dragging me down. I cannot try to make someone else happy until I am happy with myself.

I am so excited for my job change and to get out of this dreadful office. The people here are just so rude and are stuck in high school. There is so much tension on a daily basis that it’s beginning to rub off on other parts of my life. The processes and actions here truly reflect how this company does not care about it’s employees or it’s customers period. All they care about is money.

I need to focus on me. Put myself as number one. Stop trying to force change without making changes myself. I also need to stop expecting so much and start making the necessary sacrifices to more forward with my life.

So here’s to changes and making my resolutions a reality!

(Rant)What I really want to say to you

This might be a little dramatic but I don’t really talk to anyone about all that happened in this relationship. This is a strongly worded letter to an ex, since I don’t want to actually reply to his recent message.

You messaged me again. It’s been over a year since I spoke to you last.

We dated for almost 2 years. I was completely in love with you at first. I still have never felt a spark like when we first kissed. The day you hid flowers behind your back and came over just to give them to me still gives me butterflies when I think about it. I was so good to you. The first year was amazing, we were amazing. I was loyal to you until I saw your true colors. You betrayed me.

You started to hang out with your younger, nobody, hooligan friends and then treated me like shit. You would lie to me, cheat on me, get drunk and call me at 2am to pick you up after lying about being sick. You hung out with people who I thought were my friends and lied to me with reasons for leaving me out. Then you went after my good friend.

You hooked up with me (we were broken up and you were dating her) then tried to convince her I was psycho and convinced her I lied about sleeping with you. I tried to warn her but she bought your bullshit and I lost not only one but two friends over it. I almost lost yet another friend because you ditched me at her party and caused so much drama for everyone. My car had broken down that day and I had it towed to your house because you said you would fix it.

You ditched me that night at our friends party and I walked in the rain in flip flops and no coat with a dead phone in the middle of the night to where I KNEW you would be, (your stupid hooligan friend’s house) to tell you to take me home. You acted like I was crazy and your friends yelled at me to leave. So I had to walk BACK to where the party was only to come to a locked door. So I sat on the lawn sobbing and then decided to walk back AGAIN (about a mile and a half each way) and demand you take me home, because I had no phone to call anyone else and my car was at your house….

I can’t believe you had the audacity to message me after all this time and ask me how I’m doing. You deserve absolutely NOTHING from me. I want to laugh in your face and reply “are you serious?”.

You messaged me at 2am and then tried to play dumb the next morning and said “Oh I didn’t mean to message you I don’t know how that happened”. Then you said the next day “Actually, how are you?”. I looked at your facebook, you’re single… That girl must have finally seen what a true piece of fucking shit you are and dumped your ass and you think I am going to be dumb enough to play that game again?

You’re a complete looser. You’re never going to be anything special and you’re going to keep breaking hearts and fooling good women into thinking you’re some kind of gentleman but you’re not. My dad saw right through you and I foolishly tried to deny what a shitty person you were. You wouldn’t even look him in the eye when he warned you to treat me better. You are a coward. He HATED you and I was BLIND.. I can’t even believe I gave you that many chances.

I’m not even friends with those people anymore either. I only stayed friends with ONE girl that used to know you. She is still my best friend and we often drink wine together and talk about how LUCKY we were to get out of that group. Everyone is doing the SAME stupid low life shit that we used to think was cool.

I’m going to go ahead and continue my big girl job, enjoy the genuine company I keep and also go ahead and just say no thank you, go fuck yourself.  You don’t even deserve a reply.

 

Done Being Sick

My whole family has the flu, oops, I even gave it to my friend who visited. It started on the 1st I woke up coughing and couldn’t breath. Asthma+flu virus is not a good mix. My body went through hell, I thought I was going to go to the hospital or stop breathing in the middle of the night. I was out all of last week and finally returned to work this morning.

I’m still not better! I am having trouble breathing and my right arm feels weirdly numb/dead. I just feel really strange and want to ask to go home but I can’t because I was gone all last week. Hardly anyone seemed concerned or even asked me if I am ok.. I’m so done with this place.

Hopefully I will be starting a new chapter soon at a different workplace! Just sent my application in this morning. I really need this year to be a good one. It didn’t start so well with being sick but I am still hopeful that it will turn around.

I spent one day over the weekend hanging out with an ex and I finally realized that it’s time to move on. Another one of my ex’s oddly messaged me on Facebook, and then pretended it was an accident. I didn’t even acknowledge him. I’m ready for something new.

I only carried over a couple close friends into this new year. That’s all I need and I’m content with just letting things be how they are right now. I am inspired to stop trying to force my love life to be something, and I’m going to stop hunting, and live my life in the moment and start doing things for me. I’ve spent too much time focused on significant others and on people I was try to help, and I sort of lost myself along the way.

This is a strange time. I’m almost 25.

Anxiety Induced Rant

Do you ever just get so done with your current situation? Like you’re just tired of the same routine you’ve been doing and now you want to do something else? It happens to me all the time and it’s so bad right now! I just have the urge to pack up all my crap and move to Montana. I actually just had a funny conversation with my friend Molly about that. I told her we would move to a cabin there, I would learn to hunt for food and then we would live in peace, with out internet or contact unless it was on our terms… I even went as far as looking at listings online for properties. Montana is so beautiful..

I am just so bored of my job. I started in June and at first it seemed like a great place with tons of growth. But as I am trying to learn new things and am currently being trained in a higher position, I am noticing how fucked up the management is here. I’ve had three or four different people teaching me how to do things and they all do it different ways so I am so confused half the time. The other half of the time I am just trying to figure it out on my own… Another coworker has been a negative nancy and is quitting. She is my favorite person here, but lately I am just sick of her bitching.

Also, the holidays are pretty shitty this year. I know the price tag on a gift shouldn’t matter but I feel like I am not going to be giving back to others equally.

I hate money. It’s so hard to get to the point where you’re earning enough to support yourself. You basically have to kill yourself trying to get there by working late and not spending time on yourself or other important things. I spend most of my time at the office and then the rest of my life is in disarray. I just want to be outside or at home reading a book or something.

I want to go back to school but due to inherited properties I can’t get financial aid. My parents refuse to pay for school so I have been trying to save up enough to do it myself. It’s so hard to save money right now. I don’t have any sort of cushion. The opportunities and steps I could take to make more money COST money so what the fuck am I supposed to do..

I have plenty of opportunities with the company I am in and this would be the route to go to make more money down the road. However it’s not what I want to do with my life/career. I want to work with animals or have a farm or something someday. I wish it could be sooner than later… My dad always tells me I can do anything I set my mind to, which I try to do but something seems to always get in the way and I just want to get there!

I need to do something big, or important with my life. I need to help people and animals and I want to be remembered for something special when I am gone. My grandfather was one of those kinds of people and I feel like he is so disappointed in me for how I have done so far.. I just feel stuck, and frustrated that I’m not where I want to be nor am I headed in the right direction. Something has to change.

Rough Day

The thing I like most about the company I work for, and the reason I decided to work here (Started as a temp) was when I heard my boss say that she wanted us all to reach our goals. She wanted to help us get exactly where we wanted to go and do what she could to help us get there because, in her words “everyone deserve success if they’re willing to work for it”.

There are many good things happening right now, however today was just really hard. I got a promotion and I am now learning how to be an escrow assistant. It’s great because soon, I will be hired on for sure. I am excited to work with this company, however there is SO much to learn, and although I assumed it would be hard, it is turning out to be more than I thought.

I am always way too hard on myself. I am BRAND new to escrow and this company was kind enough to welcome me and teach me everything. A lot of people go to college for this sort of job before starting the position I am learning from scratch. I have to constantly remind myself and everyone else here that I am brand new, and I am not going to learn it as fast as they (or I) hoped.

Today I was learning to do funding packages, scan them into our folders and send them out to lenders etc. For some reason I could NOT get them to scan properly and almost ripped a signed legal document. I also had an issue with the person training me refusing to “show” me. She kept wanting me to “figure it out” on my own because that was how she learned. I had to explain to her numerous times that I don’t learn like that, because I am a perfectionist and I always second guess myself. I ended up having a huge melt down which was a little embarrassing, I just got frustrated and couldn’t hold back the tears.

I just hate being slow, or struggling at something, when I’ve already been showed how to do it. I get so frustrated when I have a problem that I can’t resolve on my own. I just have so much pressure to prove myself here. I have to show them that I am worth teaching this stuff to and that I do in fact learn fast, and do a good job. As I was in the bathroom having an anxiety attack one of my coworkers kindly told me her story about how she made mistakes when she started.

Back when she started things weren’t quite as complicated and high tech as they are nowadays, but on the flip side it created a longer process since she had to separate everything and make hard copies and file them instead of electronic copies that can even go directly where they need to go with a barcode scanner built into the copier. It’s actually really cool, but there is a lot of room for error.

She reminded me that everyone struggles at first. She had a degree and had the same problem that I did today. She told that I was doing just fine, to take a step back and focus on one part at a time. She said if I am stuck or overwhelmed that it means I need to work on the previous step again until I have it down. Her encouragement and compliment went a long way.

I realized in that moment all I really needed was someone to tell me I was doing a good job. I don’t mean to sound like I need a pat on the back every time I do something good, it was just nice to hear it and was all the encouragement I needed to push through the rest of the day.

Encourage the people around you. If you see someone struggling, or down on themselves even just a simple compliment can make all the difference in the world.